Fable
One day, while taking a walk through the woods, a man found a new born eaglet. He quickly realized that left there alone the eaglet would surely die: so he took him home and put it in an aviary along with other chicken newborns.
The eaglet grew up together with the chicken and of course, he learned to behave as one: digging the soil to find worms and insects, eating the seeds thrown by the master, cackling like the other chicken. If he tried to flap his wings he couldn't lift in the air for more than a few inches.
Months past by and the eagle had no thoughts or doubts that his place would be in any other place than it's master yard, among the other chicken. Moreover, he was convinced that he himself was a chicken.
Up to one day when, looking at the cloudless blue sky, he saw another eagle in a majestic flight, almost without moving his wings...
The eaglet suddenly understood which is his true nature. He realized that there are no obstacles that could stop him from flying, beside those in his mind and after a few attempts he flew his way to infinity in a freedom flight.
And now, here is the effect that this incident had on the other inhabitants of the yard....
After they saw that their former game partner and seed-eating companion flew away, lost in the sky immensity, many chicken become aware of their sad situation and started to dream to become alike, eagles.
Some weird philosophies started to be heard, mostly whispered in the beginning, then more and more in the open. They claimed that each chicken had inside an eagle awaiting to be unlocked. " The chicken status it's only the result of the limited unworthy beliefs" some prophet-chicken claimed, "change your beliefs and the sky will be yours".
All kinds of books started to mushroom: " How to become an eagle in 30 days", "Eaglecybernetics", "Eaglenational analysis", "Wonders of the flight", "Unleash the eagle within" etc.
Those who had more money started to attend seminaries ( Chickenlingvistic Programming) and take audio and video classes where they learned how to visualize the world seen from above, how to recognize the sounds of the other birds ( to establish rapport), how to perceive the sensation of wind going through your wings ( eagle condition can't be attained without focus on the right sensory channels).
More interestingly, a new method of analysis (chickengramma) was invented, which identified 9 types of being a chicken and accordingly, 9 different paths to become an eagle. New techniques were discovered, like Chickenemotional Balance and CFT (chicken freedom technique). They taught you that if you press some points on your head and chest saying "I love and respect my wings", your fear of heights will be cured (the main obstacle on the path of unleashing the eagle within).
A more business oriented chicken started a multilevel marketing system which implied a complex system of points that you were giving for selling classes and seminars to the other chicken. They were arguing that the evolution in the hierarchy of the system was the safest method to get closer to the eagle state of being.
Those who attained a big enough number of classes could become "Chickencoach certified" and could help others to speed up their personal development process.
There were some who had no results whatsoever and who voiced doubts on the efficacy of the whole process. They were immediately accused - by the most enthusiast and convinced - that they are inhabited by limited beliefs and blocked by negative thoughts.
Moreover, they were repeated continuously: "Remember your former partner who after a life as a chicken could fly! Be disciplined and have faith and you will have success unmistakeably."
The latest news from the aviary confirmed that some of the chicken got rich, others are still looking for the perfect technique to learn to fly and others are waiting for the arrival of the Mighty Chicken who will enlighten them.
But none of them didn't lift above the earth more than a few inches.....
May 6, 2009
Self Help Inc - get back your heatlhy fury and sadness
Unhappy? Lonely? Looking for love? Fat? Broke?
The 20.000 plus self help titles from the shelves of the bookstores didn’t changed much since people are still suicidal, unfulfilled and overweight. Maybe self help literature is not food for mind but drugs for the mind, meant to make your mind drunk with inspiring yet unrealistic ideas.
Pop psychology can be described as an utopian enterprise inspired by the protest movements of the 1960s and early 1970s. Pop psychology marked a shifting direction from political activism into self-absorption. And self absorbed we become!
Philosopher John Stuart Mill said: "Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so."
And somehow it seems true: don’t you think that life used to be simple until we all started to read about how to live it?!
The last 2 decades have rain upon us a plied of self help books. Each of them promises you eternal bliss, reconnection to the healthy rhythm of the universe by unleashing the powers within (pun intended)!
The huge success of self-help is the result of combining two conflicting goals which humans wished for always to unify them in a congruent vision: financial or outward success and religious or inner transcendence - in other words, you can eat your cake and have a transcendental experience on the side too. Sounds yummy, right?!
Self help industry flourished on the background of continuous search for meanings, for ways to attain fulfillment in a society that only creates desires and continuously changing happiness paradigms.
The naked and indecent truth is that we actually need some guilt, we need anger, we need sadness and we need sometimes to stop expressing ourselves - some censorship is healthy. Sounds like blasphemy, I know - but there is always pleasure in sinning.
Self help literature had it's major success because it invited people to celebrate their weaknesses, to reclaim divine rights where only biology and psychology can do something about it.
It is essential as well for our mental health to find the right person to blame - of course that contradicts another tenet of the self help literature that preaches that we always have what we deserve.
And sometimes you may just need to shut up and listen. Must be hard as probably will be a first but stop creating unrealistic hopes repeating to yourself that everything is possible if you frame your mind in the right way and if you dive into the depths of the universe's energies. No, sometimes what you have is as good as it gets, so why not stop worrying, sit back, relax and enjoy what you already have and are?! (Hate me, yet? If not, keep reading, it's getting better).
Let’s see which are the main ideas promoted by the gurus of the self help industry:
"Love should not be conditional". Wrong! Love, the most debated idea by the self help books, is not, by all means unconditional. It shouldn’t be and in fact it isn’t: beside your parents affection, love, trust and respect need to be gained. You are loved because you behave in a certain way, the same as you love someone because she/he is in a certain way. Becoming realistic about the important forces of life will help you more than indulging in unrealistic and utopian ideas.
"Be all that you can be" and "live up to your full potential" . Yes, true, be, but don’t try to be more than you can ever be as well. Be real about your gifts, your talents and reach as high as you can to fulfill those, not some unrealistic hopes based on the premises that sky is the limit.
"Nurture and understand your inner child" correlated with "we are all victims". Wrong again
Forget your inner child - do not fall pray to the sirens call of victimhood and entitlement - we all had difficult childhoods, more or less. We all had difficulties and interruptions but those are the forces that carved our character and that is life - a cycle of crises and rewards.
Therapy had become the new religion of this society, indulging in psychological enemas with an almost pervert pleasure. Psychoanalysis is one of those tools to help you dig to no means and no ends through your memories - and bank accounts. Memory archeology is so 1980 and the therapeutic effect, if any, it is probably more due to the attention and relationships you establish with psychoanalyst than from the method itself.
"Express your anger". No, do not! For once, swallow it, internalize it and let it be the fuel for future changes. Anger is necessary, as opposed to content which doesn't drive you further unless you are an enlightened (Eckhart Tolle for sure doesn't read my blog, so...). Anger is the reality check we need from time to time. Of course, some of it need to be expressed but keep some inside and feed your inner child with it - will help him become a grown up sooner.
Perhaps the main quality of self help books is that it gives people hope - even if it is irrational, we, humans, seems to have a special appetite for irrationality - it looks like mass psychosis sometimes. We like to share madness toward the most mythical things - divinity, love, meaning, hope.
Self help literature comes to fulfill this niche of the human psyche - the need for hope, the need to elude reality and self delusion.
So you may as well give up on wearing yourself out trying to “be all that we can be” and “living up to your potential”. Maybe it will help you to know that some people are natural born happy people. They just won the cortical lottery and their brain chemistry will allow them to manifest a high drive temperament and positive thoughts. Stick that on a post it on your mirror, will make you feel better if some mornings you don't feel like smiling to the universe.
One of the things that makes people so unhappy is that they think that they should and could be so much happier and fulfilled. This new found religion of self- help puts a burden on everyone - you have almost no excuse not to be happy and we are in a kind of race of who shows the most happiness and positive thinking.
The scientific truth though is that we need from time to time to slow down, that it is normal to have moments of sadness and even occasional depression. Studies showed that those who reported themselves being happy most of the time were unrealistic, self delusional, overestimating both themselves and the reality. Those that have passing moments of depression tend to be realistic, sometimes cynical, but aware of their own limits.
Not anyone can be a successful athlete - most likely your genes will set you up on this track followed by chance and personal choice. No visualization or mantra will help you make performance if your biology and environment won't help you.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn't pursuit your dreams, just establish dreams appropriate for the level you are at. Having in mind all this makes it clearer to chose whether you should continue investing in your dreams or quit and find happiness in what you are right now or other more appropriate ways.
Maybe the ultimate self help advice you would need is this one: lose hope, give up, think sad thoughts, settle for second or third, don’t work through your grief, don’t try to discover new horizons of your personality, be pessimistic, men aren’t from mars and women from venus, don’t believe in yourself. Just stop fighting and be for a as many moments as you can, free of any advices, must-dos and self-victimization.
Do not register to another seminar "Fire Walking Weekend" or sign up for another success coaching sessions. If goal setting, positive thinking, daily affirmations, self talk, dream building, visualization, chanting, fire walking the self help guru's preached would actually work then we wouldn’t need so many new books on this theme right? Unless...unless they are failing miserably for you.
The self help industry, success coaches and motivational experts - even though they mean well (blessed be thy) and genuinely want you to be successful - they are stunting, maybe even permanently destroying your chance to be successful. The only ones that will become successful are them, by collecting your money and attention.
Some people are even addicted to the self help books - they own tens and hundreds of them . The self-abnegating strategy the self-help industry employs: namely, tearing you down in the name of building you up has it’s appeal to some people who self fulfill their prophecy of being victims: yes, victims, but not of a conspiracy but to their own self-delusional fantasy of the world.
Don’t stop hoping though, don’t stop dreaming, don’t stop investing in the future - we need psychological self-medication every day. Just stop from time to time from your race to unknown horizons and enjoy what you are and what you have - you may have just missed another perfect day of your life!
The 20.000 plus self help titles from the shelves of the bookstores didn’t changed much since people are still suicidal, unfulfilled and overweight. Maybe self help literature is not food for mind but drugs for the mind, meant to make your mind drunk with inspiring yet unrealistic ideas.
Pop psychology can be described as an utopian enterprise inspired by the protest movements of the 1960s and early 1970s. Pop psychology marked a shifting direction from political activism into self-absorption. And self absorbed we become!
Philosopher John Stuart Mill said: "Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so."
And somehow it seems true: don’t you think that life used to be simple until we all started to read about how to live it?!
The last 2 decades have rain upon us a plied of self help books. Each of them promises you eternal bliss, reconnection to the healthy rhythm of the universe by unleashing the powers within (pun intended)!
The huge success of self-help is the result of combining two conflicting goals which humans wished for always to unify them in a congruent vision: financial or outward success and religious or inner transcendence - in other words, you can eat your cake and have a transcendental experience on the side too. Sounds yummy, right?!
Self help industry flourished on the background of continuous search for meanings, for ways to attain fulfillment in a society that only creates desires and continuously changing happiness paradigms.
The naked and indecent truth is that we actually need some guilt, we need anger, we need sadness and we need sometimes to stop expressing ourselves - some censorship is healthy. Sounds like blasphemy, I know - but there is always pleasure in sinning.
Self help literature had it's major success because it invited people to celebrate their weaknesses, to reclaim divine rights where only biology and psychology can do something about it.
It is essential as well for our mental health to find the right person to blame - of course that contradicts another tenet of the self help literature that preaches that we always have what we deserve.
And sometimes you may just need to shut up and listen. Must be hard as probably will be a first but stop creating unrealistic hopes repeating to yourself that everything is possible if you frame your mind in the right way and if you dive into the depths of the universe's energies. No, sometimes what you have is as good as it gets, so why not stop worrying, sit back, relax and enjoy what you already have and are?! (Hate me, yet? If not, keep reading, it's getting better).
Let’s see which are the main ideas promoted by the gurus of the self help industry:
"Love should not be conditional". Wrong! Love, the most debated idea by the self help books, is not, by all means unconditional. It shouldn’t be and in fact it isn’t: beside your parents affection, love, trust and respect need to be gained. You are loved because you behave in a certain way, the same as you love someone because she/he is in a certain way. Becoming realistic about the important forces of life will help you more than indulging in unrealistic and utopian ideas.
"Be all that you can be" and "live up to your full potential" . Yes, true, be, but don’t try to be more than you can ever be as well. Be real about your gifts, your talents and reach as high as you can to fulfill those, not some unrealistic hopes based on the premises that sky is the limit.
"Nurture and understand your inner child" correlated with "we are all victims". Wrong again
Forget your inner child - do not fall pray to the sirens call of victimhood and entitlement - we all had difficult childhoods, more or less. We all had difficulties and interruptions but those are the forces that carved our character and that is life - a cycle of crises and rewards.
Therapy had become the new religion of this society, indulging in psychological enemas with an almost pervert pleasure. Psychoanalysis is one of those tools to help you dig to no means and no ends through your memories - and bank accounts. Memory archeology is so 1980 and the therapeutic effect, if any, it is probably more due to the attention and relationships you establish with psychoanalyst than from the method itself.
"Express your anger". No, do not! For once, swallow it, internalize it and let it be the fuel for future changes. Anger is necessary, as opposed to content which doesn't drive you further unless you are an enlightened (Eckhart Tolle for sure doesn't read my blog, so...). Anger is the reality check we need from time to time. Of course, some of it need to be expressed but keep some inside and feed your inner child with it - will help him become a grown up sooner.
Perhaps the main quality of self help books is that it gives people hope - even if it is irrational, we, humans, seems to have a special appetite for irrationality - it looks like mass psychosis sometimes. We like to share madness toward the most mythical things - divinity, love, meaning, hope.
Self help literature comes to fulfill this niche of the human psyche - the need for hope, the need to elude reality and self delusion.
So you may as well give up on wearing yourself out trying to “be all that we can be” and “living up to your potential”. Maybe it will help you to know that some people are natural born happy people. They just won the cortical lottery and their brain chemistry will allow them to manifest a high drive temperament and positive thoughts. Stick that on a post it on your mirror, will make you feel better if some mornings you don't feel like smiling to the universe.
One of the things that makes people so unhappy is that they think that they should and could be so much happier and fulfilled. This new found religion of self- help puts a burden on everyone - you have almost no excuse not to be happy and we are in a kind of race of who shows the most happiness and positive thinking.
The scientific truth though is that we need from time to time to slow down, that it is normal to have moments of sadness and even occasional depression. Studies showed that those who reported themselves being happy most of the time were unrealistic, self delusional, overestimating both themselves and the reality. Those that have passing moments of depression tend to be realistic, sometimes cynical, but aware of their own limits.
Not anyone can be a successful athlete - most likely your genes will set you up on this track followed by chance and personal choice. No visualization or mantra will help you make performance if your biology and environment won't help you.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn't pursuit your dreams, just establish dreams appropriate for the level you are at. Having in mind all this makes it clearer to chose whether you should continue investing in your dreams or quit and find happiness in what you are right now or other more appropriate ways.
Maybe the ultimate self help advice you would need is this one: lose hope, give up, think sad thoughts, settle for second or third, don’t work through your grief, don’t try to discover new horizons of your personality, be pessimistic, men aren’t from mars and women from venus, don’t believe in yourself. Just stop fighting and be for a as many moments as you can, free of any advices, must-dos and self-victimization.
Do not register to another seminar "Fire Walking Weekend" or sign up for another success coaching sessions. If goal setting, positive thinking, daily affirmations, self talk, dream building, visualization, chanting, fire walking the self help guru's preached would actually work then we wouldn’t need so many new books on this theme right? Unless...unless they are failing miserably for you.
The self help industry, success coaches and motivational experts - even though they mean well (blessed be thy) and genuinely want you to be successful - they are stunting, maybe even permanently destroying your chance to be successful. The only ones that will become successful are them, by collecting your money and attention.
Some people are even addicted to the self help books - they own tens and hundreds of them . The self-abnegating strategy the self-help industry employs: namely, tearing you down in the name of building you up has it’s appeal to some people who self fulfill their prophecy of being victims: yes, victims, but not of a conspiracy but to their own self-delusional fantasy of the world.
Don’t stop hoping though, don’t stop dreaming, don’t stop investing in the future - we need psychological self-medication every day. Just stop from time to time from your race to unknown horizons and enjoy what you are and what you have - you may have just missed another perfect day of your life!
Are you in love with a narcissist?
Are you in love with a narcissist?
I am sure you think as overrated the cliche that 'love is blind' - but neuroscience, this prodigy child of science, unveils with an almost cruel satisfaction that some areas of our brains shut down when love comes upon us, blinding the ration from the smart choices we should make.
Brain scans of the people who were madly in love are very similar to the scans of the brains of people who were doing cocaine. There you have it - love is pretty much a drug itself. In a way we are all drug dealers - the drug of choice being love and other emotional enhancers.
Love could be a wonderful happening if sometimes we wouldn't fall in love with the wrong person. If that person is a narcissist, your burden will reach heights worth of better causes. Either way, you need to learn how to cope with this situation.
According to the American Psychological Association, people with narcissistic personality disorder display a chronic and pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.
Narcissists have a grandiose sense of self-importance, like they would have a special mission on this earth and they often have a 'king style' type of personality, while all the others should behave as humble servants of their wishes.
They always exaggerate their achievements and talents making everything in their power to gain everybody’s attention and recognition. Most of the times they are arrogant and self absorbed to fulfill their special destiny.
Narcissist will indulge in fantasies of tremendous power, success or beauty, being addicted to the attention and admiration that others manifest. You will find much snobbery between them which they do not deny it but rather be proud of it.
They see themselves as unique masterpieces - God himself obtained his PhD by creating them. Complicated rather than complex personalities, they will find it difficult to empathize with other people.
They can’t actually go out of the perimeter of their own personality, not understanding how people don’t think the same as they do. That’s why many times you may have the feeling of talking to a wall because no matter how deep you explain your point of view, most likely a narcissist will not understand it. A brick and iron wall.
They can’t maintain too long relationships, most of the times because people around them give up on explaining themselves over and over again. Narcissist transform their partners in beggars - you will beg for understanding and some unconditional attention and most of the time you will celebrate only leftovers from the feast the narcissist indulged.
You will find many successful individuals with this syndrome, because narcissism will drive them to achieve success and accumulate power in order to feed their self admiration. Many success achiever have a dose of healthy narcissism - or self confidence, but healthy narcissism or selfishness will not ask the world to reflect back to them their inflated self image and ego.
A relationship with a narcissistic personality will require lots of energy and work, because they are in constant need for outside support and approval. Once these needs are fulfilled they feel powerful, but many times this need will be very hard to be satisfied. They are left feeling vulnerable and lonely - that’s how they will explain their “cheating” behavior.
The genesis of this personality disorder goes back in time to the childhood. Most of the time they will be the single child in a family but even then they have been ignored or the parents had very big expectations of perfection from the child.
The child will fiercely embark on this quest of winning the appreciation of his parents, leaving him with the incapacity to understand other people’s needs, as his needs were not understood as a child.
How to detect a narcissist?
1. Be aware of people who advertise themselves too much. They will always want to be in the center of attention. Being in search of constant approval and admiration they will take over “the stage” and monopolize the discussion and action. They ant to be the star in everyone's movie.
2. Lacking of empathy toward other people needs. They can’t give attention to other people because they are in constant need for that attention. Everyone is a slave and object to fulfill their demands. Narcissist want all the love, all the attention, all the possessions for themselves - they will be jealous of other people’s achievements and will find it hard to acknowledge their success.
3. They cannot take criticism - it appeals to their childhood memories and they will reject it with all their power. If you commit the leze-majesty to criticize them, beside the fact that they will deny it, they will feel hurt and unloved. They will never accept responsibility for any wrongdoing and will be on constant search for finding people to blame for their mistakes.
4. Many will be workaholics - being driven by the huge desire of achievement, they will put all their efforts toward achieving massive success.
It takes time to identify all these character treats as many are under the camouflage of good looking, highly successful people which will always be fascinating and attractive. They can be interesting personalities but very difficult to handle, almost impossible.
Bad news is that they cannot be changed. Read again: narcissist cannot be changed! Since they reject any form of criticism, even the constructive one, they cannot comprehend any wrongdoing and indulge in their self proclaimed image of perfection. Many of them will have secret thoughts of being god-like and will literally be blind to any mistake they will do.
It is not recommended to give in to all their demands - you will only just reinforce their grandiose needs and they will get the feeling that it is normal to have all their wishes fulfilled without them giving much in return.
How to cope with narcissistic partners?
Since they cannot be changed, you need to reevaluate your needs and long term goals for a relationship - it may be interesting for a while to be around such type of people but in the long run it gets exhausting and anger and resentment will overshadow any feelings of love and tenderness.
1. Do not give in to their neverstoping demands, keep your independence from this type of person - if in any way you depend on them, they will blackmail you to make you give in to their desires.
2. Don’t let yourself be infuriated by their lack of empathy or understanding - they are not capable of it. Showing them their incapacity will do nothing - they will blame you for everything that it doesn’t work.
3. Finally, decide when enough is enough. A relationship with a narcissist can take you places where you do not want to be, can make you behave in ways you do not recognize yourself . It can undermine your self esteem and will rob you of the attention you need to give to yourself trying to meet all their needs.
Many artistic personalities will be narcissistic and self absorbed, ego-centered. The fascination with them will make many of you fall for them, since their love will be just like their personality: irrational, instinctual, possessive and overwhelming. Which sometimes will unlock those crazy passionate behavior within you - fun for a while but it will wore you down and leave you with nothing in the end.
Narcissists will be attached to those that satisfy their needs but will never treat them as partners but as followers. They have the need to lead and be in control constantly - they do not need equals but disciples or pleasers. The worst thing that can happen is when one narcissist meets someone with low self-esteem - it will be the perfect victim and toy for them.
Stand up for your self, do not give up on your needs and do not believe all their explanations - their constant need for admiration and approval will make them flirt with many from the opposite sex and not rarely even cheat in order to reaffirm their power of seduction.
Although they have a certain charisma and aura - probably the outrageous feeling of selfconfidence will be their most magnetic treat, they come with a lot of work. Enjoy for as long as you feel that what keeps you together is more than what pushes you apart, but know when to leave as for the moment no treatment is available - beside brain surgery. Guess not, since they consider themselves so perfect.
Let them create if they are artists or achieve the success they want, while you move on and fulfill your emotional and human needs. Love stories can be beautiful without drama and self proclaimed kings and gods around you.
I am sure you think as overrated the cliche that 'love is blind' - but neuroscience, this prodigy child of science, unveils with an almost cruel satisfaction that some areas of our brains shut down when love comes upon us, blinding the ration from the smart choices we should make.
Brain scans of the people who were madly in love are very similar to the scans of the brains of people who were doing cocaine. There you have it - love is pretty much a drug itself. In a way we are all drug dealers - the drug of choice being love and other emotional enhancers.
Love could be a wonderful happening if sometimes we wouldn't fall in love with the wrong person. If that person is a narcissist, your burden will reach heights worth of better causes. Either way, you need to learn how to cope with this situation.
According to the American Psychological Association, people with narcissistic personality disorder display a chronic and pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.
Narcissists have a grandiose sense of self-importance, like they would have a special mission on this earth and they often have a 'king style' type of personality, while all the others should behave as humble servants of their wishes.
They always exaggerate their achievements and talents making everything in their power to gain everybody’s attention and recognition. Most of the times they are arrogant and self absorbed to fulfill their special destiny.
Narcissist will indulge in fantasies of tremendous power, success or beauty, being addicted to the attention and admiration that others manifest. You will find much snobbery between them which they do not deny it but rather be proud of it.
They see themselves as unique masterpieces - God himself obtained his PhD by creating them. Complicated rather than complex personalities, they will find it difficult to empathize with other people.
They can’t actually go out of the perimeter of their own personality, not understanding how people don’t think the same as they do. That’s why many times you may have the feeling of talking to a wall because no matter how deep you explain your point of view, most likely a narcissist will not understand it. A brick and iron wall.
They can’t maintain too long relationships, most of the times because people around them give up on explaining themselves over and over again. Narcissist transform their partners in beggars - you will beg for understanding and some unconditional attention and most of the time you will celebrate only leftovers from the feast the narcissist indulged.
You will find many successful individuals with this syndrome, because narcissism will drive them to achieve success and accumulate power in order to feed their self admiration. Many success achiever have a dose of healthy narcissism - or self confidence, but healthy narcissism or selfishness will not ask the world to reflect back to them their inflated self image and ego.
A relationship with a narcissistic personality will require lots of energy and work, because they are in constant need for outside support and approval. Once these needs are fulfilled they feel powerful, but many times this need will be very hard to be satisfied. They are left feeling vulnerable and lonely - that’s how they will explain their “cheating” behavior.
The genesis of this personality disorder goes back in time to the childhood. Most of the time they will be the single child in a family but even then they have been ignored or the parents had very big expectations of perfection from the child.
The child will fiercely embark on this quest of winning the appreciation of his parents, leaving him with the incapacity to understand other people’s needs, as his needs were not understood as a child.
How to detect a narcissist?
1. Be aware of people who advertise themselves too much. They will always want to be in the center of attention. Being in search of constant approval and admiration they will take over “the stage” and monopolize the discussion and action. They ant to be the star in everyone's movie.
2. Lacking of empathy toward other people needs. They can’t give attention to other people because they are in constant need for that attention. Everyone is a slave and object to fulfill their demands. Narcissist want all the love, all the attention, all the possessions for themselves - they will be jealous of other people’s achievements and will find it hard to acknowledge their success.
3. They cannot take criticism - it appeals to their childhood memories and they will reject it with all their power. If you commit the leze-majesty to criticize them, beside the fact that they will deny it, they will feel hurt and unloved. They will never accept responsibility for any wrongdoing and will be on constant search for finding people to blame for their mistakes.
4. Many will be workaholics - being driven by the huge desire of achievement, they will put all their efforts toward achieving massive success.
It takes time to identify all these character treats as many are under the camouflage of good looking, highly successful people which will always be fascinating and attractive. They can be interesting personalities but very difficult to handle, almost impossible.
Bad news is that they cannot be changed. Read again: narcissist cannot be changed! Since they reject any form of criticism, even the constructive one, they cannot comprehend any wrongdoing and indulge in their self proclaimed image of perfection. Many of them will have secret thoughts of being god-like and will literally be blind to any mistake they will do.
It is not recommended to give in to all their demands - you will only just reinforce their grandiose needs and they will get the feeling that it is normal to have all their wishes fulfilled without them giving much in return.
How to cope with narcissistic partners?
Since they cannot be changed, you need to reevaluate your needs and long term goals for a relationship - it may be interesting for a while to be around such type of people but in the long run it gets exhausting and anger and resentment will overshadow any feelings of love and tenderness.
1. Do not give in to their neverstoping demands, keep your independence from this type of person - if in any way you depend on them, they will blackmail you to make you give in to their desires.
2. Don’t let yourself be infuriated by their lack of empathy or understanding - they are not capable of it. Showing them their incapacity will do nothing - they will blame you for everything that it doesn’t work.
3. Finally, decide when enough is enough. A relationship with a narcissist can take you places where you do not want to be, can make you behave in ways you do not recognize yourself . It can undermine your self esteem and will rob you of the attention you need to give to yourself trying to meet all their needs.
Many artistic personalities will be narcissistic and self absorbed, ego-centered. The fascination with them will make many of you fall for them, since their love will be just like their personality: irrational, instinctual, possessive and overwhelming. Which sometimes will unlock those crazy passionate behavior within you - fun for a while but it will wore you down and leave you with nothing in the end.
Narcissists will be attached to those that satisfy their needs but will never treat them as partners but as followers. They have the need to lead and be in control constantly - they do not need equals but disciples or pleasers. The worst thing that can happen is when one narcissist meets someone with low self-esteem - it will be the perfect victim and toy for them.
Stand up for your self, do not give up on your needs and do not believe all their explanations - their constant need for admiration and approval will make them flirt with many from the opposite sex and not rarely even cheat in order to reaffirm their power of seduction.
Although they have a certain charisma and aura - probably the outrageous feeling of selfconfidence will be their most magnetic treat, they come with a lot of work. Enjoy for as long as you feel that what keeps you together is more than what pushes you apart, but know when to leave as for the moment no treatment is available - beside brain surgery. Guess not, since they consider themselves so perfect.
Let them create if they are artists or achieve the success they want, while you move on and fulfill your emotional and human needs. Love stories can be beautiful without drama and self proclaimed kings and gods around you.
April 16, 2009
Movie therapy - mental health by watching films
Let the movies be your therapists
Movie therapy is a breakthrough therapy approach that uses movies as a primary tool to help people to get insight while working with a counselor. While it is one of the newest branches of psychotherapy and still reluctantly seen by some therapist, movie therapy has been proved to help clients get self awareness and identify their problems easier.
Cinema therapy can be a powerful catalyst for healing and growth for anybody who is watching certain films with conscious awareness. Through the impact of imagery, plot, music, character description, movies can invite your psyche to insight, inspiration, emotional release or relief.
Many of you felt intuitively the power the good cinema can have, that's why it is such a powerful industry: beside being a hope industry, it offers also the frame for individual reflection, identification or confrontation with similar issues you encounter in your life.
Did you ever left the cinema with feelings of exaltation, full of emotions and insights? Did it made you reflect upon your own life, bringing you closer to your own self, past and future? That means you already had movie therapy - with a side of popcorn and a coke.
I recall one movie who has been a long time inspiration - Love Actually, a British romantic comedy who miraculously incorporated many love stories creating a generous portrait of different nuances of love. That is one of the movies I could watch 100 times and still get emotion and insight from it - that's the power of an well done movie.
Movies can change the way you see things, will shape your beliefs and bring to the surface long standing issues, helping you to deal with the ups and downs of life.
If you ask yourself if watching a film like The Departed can help you cope with your own betrayals, or if a movie like Crash will make you revise your visions about society, right and wrong - then yes, these movies will offer you a special time to reflect upon life, both at a personal level and in a bigger, societal context as well.
Although self administered most of the time, movie therapy can make a great additional tool to a traditional therapy. The therapist can work with the client and recommend certain movies where characters are dealing with similar problems.
"It can have a positive effect on most people except those suffering from psychotic disorders," says Solomon, a professor of psychology at the Community College of Southern Nevada.
All you need to do is to select movies that mirror your own struggles and hurdles. When watching such movies as a form of therapy, look for the therapeutic context such as addiction, death/dying, abandonment or abuse, relationships issues.
Birgit Wolz, the author of The Cinema Therapy Workbook: A Self-Help Guide to Using Movies for Healing and Growth identified different types of cinema experience.
Popcorn cinema therapy - movies that will offer you an emotional release. That can be basically even action movies, as they will start a chemical storm in your brain. There are even some studies that shows that if you want to have great chemistry on a date, skip the romantic movie and go for an action film : the adrenaline shots will put your partner in an excited mood and will be ready for some action himself/herself too.
Evocative cinema therapy - movies that will help you identify with some characters or life situations. You can internalize the solutions the heroes reached in the movie and give you precious insight to your own issues.
Cathartic cinema therapy - crying or laughing are both recommended actions. It reliefs the psychic tension, freeing your mind for the needed reflective process. The benefits of laugh have been long time recognized and acclaimed. Crying has a positive impact as well - helps you manifest and exhibit the tension that was building up within your mind.
Movies affect us so powerfully because of the synergistic impact of music, dialogue, lighting, camera angles, sound effects and visual special effects that enables a film to bypass our ordinary defensive censors.
They create a symphony in the brain, by amplifying all your senses and giving you in 2 hours a concentrated shot that turns on all your senses. The sponge like character of the brain will assimilate every bit of sound or image in a high speed mode, going beyond the defense mechanisms and conscious thoughts.
Movies knock at the doors of the unconscious and will dig deep into your known and unknown emotions, desires and thoughts.
That's why movies can bring up to surface forgotten memories, can offer you solutions to deal with your own issues or can make you reflect upon possible events that can occur at a point in your life as well.
Recent breakthroughs in brain research showed that we have some miracle neurons - they are called mirror neurons that help us recreate in our mind what we see. These neurons are essential for the sense of self and help us understand other peoples behavior and reactions. It is speculated that autism itself can be a consequences of some faulty mirror neurons.
In watching movies, these mirror neurons are the ones responsible for recreating in your brain the scenes that your eyes see and make you identify yourself with different characters. That's why some people can live intensely the characters from movies or books.
Now that you have the scientific justification, you can enjoy your movies guilt free and even be aware of the possible impact it can have on your own life.
Movies can touch your mind and soul with a powerful healing message - chose them smart and you will have 2 in 1: a relaxing time and a therapy session.
Movie therapy is a breakthrough therapy approach that uses movies as a primary tool to help people to get insight while working with a counselor. While it is one of the newest branches of psychotherapy and still reluctantly seen by some therapist, movie therapy has been proved to help clients get self awareness and identify their problems easier.
Cinema therapy can be a powerful catalyst for healing and growth for anybody who is watching certain films with conscious awareness. Through the impact of imagery, plot, music, character description, movies can invite your psyche to insight, inspiration, emotional release or relief.
Many of you felt intuitively the power the good cinema can have, that's why it is such a powerful industry: beside being a hope industry, it offers also the frame for individual reflection, identification or confrontation with similar issues you encounter in your life.
Did you ever left the cinema with feelings of exaltation, full of emotions and insights? Did it made you reflect upon your own life, bringing you closer to your own self, past and future? That means you already had movie therapy - with a side of popcorn and a coke.
I recall one movie who has been a long time inspiration - Love Actually, a British romantic comedy who miraculously incorporated many love stories creating a generous portrait of different nuances of love. That is one of the movies I could watch 100 times and still get emotion and insight from it - that's the power of an well done movie.
Movies can change the way you see things, will shape your beliefs and bring to the surface long standing issues, helping you to deal with the ups and downs of life.
If you ask yourself if watching a film like The Departed can help you cope with your own betrayals, or if a movie like Crash will make you revise your visions about society, right and wrong - then yes, these movies will offer you a special time to reflect upon life, both at a personal level and in a bigger, societal context as well.
Although self administered most of the time, movie therapy can make a great additional tool to a traditional therapy. The therapist can work with the client and recommend certain movies where characters are dealing with similar problems.
"It can have a positive effect on most people except those suffering from psychotic disorders," says Solomon, a professor of psychology at the Community College of Southern Nevada.
All you need to do is to select movies that mirror your own struggles and hurdles. When watching such movies as a form of therapy, look for the therapeutic context such as addiction, death/dying, abandonment or abuse, relationships issues.
Birgit Wolz, the author of The Cinema Therapy Workbook: A Self-Help Guide to Using Movies for Healing and Growth identified different types of cinema experience.
Popcorn cinema therapy - movies that will offer you an emotional release. That can be basically even action movies, as they will start a chemical storm in your brain. There are even some studies that shows that if you want to have great chemistry on a date, skip the romantic movie and go for an action film : the adrenaline shots will put your partner in an excited mood and will be ready for some action himself/herself too.
Evocative cinema therapy - movies that will help you identify with some characters or life situations. You can internalize the solutions the heroes reached in the movie and give you precious insight to your own issues.
Cathartic cinema therapy - crying or laughing are both recommended actions. It reliefs the psychic tension, freeing your mind for the needed reflective process. The benefits of laugh have been long time recognized and acclaimed. Crying has a positive impact as well - helps you manifest and exhibit the tension that was building up within your mind.
Movies affect us so powerfully because of the synergistic impact of music, dialogue, lighting, camera angles, sound effects and visual special effects that enables a film to bypass our ordinary defensive censors.
They create a symphony in the brain, by amplifying all your senses and giving you in 2 hours a concentrated shot that turns on all your senses. The sponge like character of the brain will assimilate every bit of sound or image in a high speed mode, going beyond the defense mechanisms and conscious thoughts.
Movies knock at the doors of the unconscious and will dig deep into your known and unknown emotions, desires and thoughts.
That's why movies can bring up to surface forgotten memories, can offer you solutions to deal with your own issues or can make you reflect upon possible events that can occur at a point in your life as well.
Recent breakthroughs in brain research showed that we have some miracle neurons - they are called mirror neurons that help us recreate in our mind what we see. These neurons are essential for the sense of self and help us understand other peoples behavior and reactions. It is speculated that autism itself can be a consequences of some faulty mirror neurons.
In watching movies, these mirror neurons are the ones responsible for recreating in your brain the scenes that your eyes see and make you identify yourself with different characters. That's why some people can live intensely the characters from movies or books.
Now that you have the scientific justification, you can enjoy your movies guilt free and even be aware of the possible impact it can have on your own life.
Movies can touch your mind and soul with a powerful healing message - chose them smart and you will have 2 in 1: a relaxing time and a therapy session.
April 15, 2009
The need for meaning
Have you ever stopped so far to ask yourself what's the meaning of your life, what's the meaning of certain events or what's the meaning of existence in the bigger cosmic scheme?
If not, get ready then. It's coming - it is a step in the human existence which every individual has to take. Maybe you didn't address it consciously yet, but the search for meaning is an intrinsic quest that will raise more questions than answers.
But why do we need a meaning? Why do we even think there should be a meaning? It seems that this question is genetically imprinted in our minds - you can call it philosophical, but difficult events of your life will spark the desire inside your mind to find some answers to this question.
Philosophy, spirituality and psychology are the main branches that tried to unveil the mysteries of the meaning. No final answer so far. In the end, the meaning is what you choose it to be. Not an easy to swallow conclusion, I know, as assuming responsibility for everything that happens in our lives might be a bit overwhelming.
We would prefer to discover a deeper, higher meaning to life, events, to find patterns and justifications beyond accidental and randomness. It is kind of defeating to know that maybe there is no higher plan for our lives, that there might be no justification for the sufferance we take. That the meaning it is just to experience and live whatever comes to us.
The core of the problem is deeper than just finding an answer. It involves religious beliefs, spiritual attitudes, moral principles and the answer might even influence the desire to keep sustaining life.
Why do we need to find a meaning in life, why do we even ask ourselves this? From an evolutionary point of view, religion and moral might hold some beneficial treats that promotes life and therefore survived over the millions of years of evolution.
Research showed that overall, religious people are happier, more optimistic and even live longer.
On the other hand, it seems that when confronted to chaos, we try to find control over it.
Feeling helpless may lead us to see non existent patterns. The studies made indicated that when we lack control we don't sit around expecting for order to come back. No. We will impose control over chaos, even if that control is only in our minds.
One of the main drives of the mind is to search for patterns. Our brain became a specialist in pattern recognition - this is how we survived - by identifying repetitive cycles, formulating laws and principles and recognizing patterns in chaos.
The restless researches designed some ingenious studies. They discovered that when frustrated of control, participants started to see images forming out of the blue in a certain blurred context, to adopt superstitious beliefs, to identify utopic economic stock market trends, to exhibit paranoid behavior in seeing conspiracies in innocent behavior. Hmmm, sounds pretty much like our society, right?
Maybe we are a society deprived of control over our own lives, living with the illusion of delegated power to officials, governments, teachers and religious leaders. Somehow, they fail us and we are left with a feeling of disorientation, with no control over the forces shaping our destiny. Therefor we start our personal quest in restoring order, identifying patterns and drawing conclusions more or less rational.
When the same participants who were deprived of control were encouraged to express in writing the core values of their lives, they felt much empowered and exhibited less pattern seeking behavior. The feelings of helplessness were soothed and they felt reconnected to the driving forces of their destiny, they felt in control over life in a wider frame.
I think these findings hold an exceptional meaning for our psychological well-being. Now you may understand and forgive yourself if you feel that sometimes you just feel that everything is chaotic, with no sense of order or meaning.
We need to see and understand the guiding lines of a pattern-like universe and if those forces are not obvious to our hungry minds, then we need to make our own rules and assume control.
It is recommended to make it as a conscious process, when you recover control step by step, designing a plan and elaborating steps for every level you want to achieve. Don't let the irrational forces of the individual and collective psyche find meanings and pattern where are only accidental and random events.
The difficulty to comprehend and to psychologically survive to chaos probably made people see divine plans at work in events rather hard to accept that they just happened. A better understanding of the theory of probability would convince many people that sometimes, things juts happened.
Did you know, for example, that in a group with 29 people, the chance to meet someone with the same birthdate as yours is greater than 70%? Statistics can reveal some interesting things, although some people prefer the power of believe over the power of the ration.
The art of living preaches to find the balance between reason and emotion, to embroider reality with magic and to embrace the paradoxes: the real trick is to be both in the know and in the mystery.
If not, get ready then. It's coming - it is a step in the human existence which every individual has to take. Maybe you didn't address it consciously yet, but the search for meaning is an intrinsic quest that will raise more questions than answers.
But why do we need a meaning? Why do we even think there should be a meaning? It seems that this question is genetically imprinted in our minds - you can call it philosophical, but difficult events of your life will spark the desire inside your mind to find some answers to this question.
Philosophy, spirituality and psychology are the main branches that tried to unveil the mysteries of the meaning. No final answer so far. In the end, the meaning is what you choose it to be. Not an easy to swallow conclusion, I know, as assuming responsibility for everything that happens in our lives might be a bit overwhelming.
We would prefer to discover a deeper, higher meaning to life, events, to find patterns and justifications beyond accidental and randomness. It is kind of defeating to know that maybe there is no higher plan for our lives, that there might be no justification for the sufferance we take. That the meaning it is just to experience and live whatever comes to us.
The core of the problem is deeper than just finding an answer. It involves religious beliefs, spiritual attitudes, moral principles and the answer might even influence the desire to keep sustaining life.
Why do we need to find a meaning in life, why do we even ask ourselves this? From an evolutionary point of view, religion and moral might hold some beneficial treats that promotes life and therefore survived over the millions of years of evolution.
Research showed that overall, religious people are happier, more optimistic and even live longer.
On the other hand, it seems that when confronted to chaos, we try to find control over it.
Feeling helpless may lead us to see non existent patterns. The studies made indicated that when we lack control we don't sit around expecting for order to come back. No. We will impose control over chaos, even if that control is only in our minds.
One of the main drives of the mind is to search for patterns. Our brain became a specialist in pattern recognition - this is how we survived - by identifying repetitive cycles, formulating laws and principles and recognizing patterns in chaos.
The restless researches designed some ingenious studies. They discovered that when frustrated of control, participants started to see images forming out of the blue in a certain blurred context, to adopt superstitious beliefs, to identify utopic economic stock market trends, to exhibit paranoid behavior in seeing conspiracies in innocent behavior. Hmmm, sounds pretty much like our society, right?
Maybe we are a society deprived of control over our own lives, living with the illusion of delegated power to officials, governments, teachers and religious leaders. Somehow, they fail us and we are left with a feeling of disorientation, with no control over the forces shaping our destiny. Therefor we start our personal quest in restoring order, identifying patterns and drawing conclusions more or less rational.
When the same participants who were deprived of control were encouraged to express in writing the core values of their lives, they felt much empowered and exhibited less pattern seeking behavior. The feelings of helplessness were soothed and they felt reconnected to the driving forces of their destiny, they felt in control over life in a wider frame.
I think these findings hold an exceptional meaning for our psychological well-being. Now you may understand and forgive yourself if you feel that sometimes you just feel that everything is chaotic, with no sense of order or meaning.
We need to see and understand the guiding lines of a pattern-like universe and if those forces are not obvious to our hungry minds, then we need to make our own rules and assume control.
It is recommended to make it as a conscious process, when you recover control step by step, designing a plan and elaborating steps for every level you want to achieve. Don't let the irrational forces of the individual and collective psyche find meanings and pattern where are only accidental and random events.
The difficulty to comprehend and to psychologically survive to chaos probably made people see divine plans at work in events rather hard to accept that they just happened. A better understanding of the theory of probability would convince many people that sometimes, things juts happened.
Did you know, for example, that in a group with 29 people, the chance to meet someone with the same birthdate as yours is greater than 70%? Statistics can reveal some interesting things, although some people prefer the power of believe over the power of the ration.
The art of living preaches to find the balance between reason and emotion, to embroider reality with magic and to embrace the paradoxes: the real trick is to be both in the know and in the mystery.
April 13, 2009
We are consumers - happiness recipe
Since the first day the world welcomed us into it's entanglements we become consumers. At first this process is unconscious, embedded in our genes. The brain is a sponge that is greedy for any kind of sensorial stimulation.
Later, education will filter all the information that sees the light of our consciousness and then, some time in the youth we can claim our independence from the hidden forces that shaped our character.
Maybe the essence of life is the desire - that's the drive force that will make you do whatever you are doing. And that's the culprit named by Buddha as the root of all sufferings. Going beyond desire, well, that's a mission hard to accomplish and it's reward, while it can make you feel detached and in control, can make you also feel lonely, as very few have mastered the manual for becoming gods.
Many times you are not aware of these desires, even though you might say that you know what you want. The truth is that most of the times you don't - the motivations that pushes you to do things are most of the time hidden and unconscious, disguised by better "good looking" ones.
We develop our desires through social learning - each society has a certain level, archetype of happiness and we constantly compare ourselves to a certain sample of people who we chose as being our ultimate expression of happiness.
Research done in the field of happiness revealed some very interesting things: for example, they offered subjects to choose between an income of 300K a year, when everybody else from the community is making 400k, or to make 40k a year while the others have an income of 30k.
Surprisingly, the majority chose to have the lower income of 40k. Seems irrational, right? Why to chose 40k over 300k? The answer lies in one of the paradoxes of humanity: people made the illogical choice only because they compare to what others have to define their own level of achievement and happiness.
In the light of these findings, the definition of a wealthy man - as one who earns $100 a year more than his wife's sister's husband, sounds pretty believable.
Our standards of happiness will always be a reflection of comparing to others and a direct result of the particular society we live in. In a communist country, where the freedom of expression might be a high treat due to it's political control, one could see happiness in being allowed to say whatever he wants; while in US, where these human rights were achieved a long time ago, the standards are quite different.
That's why also your own standards of happiness will change over time: when you are 16, to live on your own without your folks, to have a car and just be able to hang around with friends looks like heaven. When you are 30 things gets tougher - the happiness level will be much raised and expectations are much higher as well.
Is there ever a moment when you can say that that's it, you are living it? Unfortunately, life and the curb of happiness comes with a big trap - most people don't know when to stop. They will keep on achieving, having, becoming and each time a goal was achieved the bar is raised higher.
It's like they are in a life long competition - they compete with the other members of their community or society, or even of their family or with themselves.
And this is how we become consumers: we consume with a hunger worth of higher means. We desire, we crave, we follow social rituals in search for a kind of achievement that will give us a sort of meaning.
Plant yourself across the entrance of a club one night: the crowd attending looks like a hoard of hungry organisms - hungry for visual excitements, for touchy fabrics and sensations, hungry for noises and excitements, hungry to be seen and noticed in the end.
It's nothing wrong with clubs and other places for social interactions - is just that most people live in a constant feeling of competition, of insatisfaction that they don't have this and that, postponing happiness for that moment when they will achieve, have or be a certain thing.
Life is full of interruptions though and luckily, will offer you some moments when you will be forced to analyze your goals, to prioritize and decide what's important and what's not. The individual formula of happiness will be discovered when you take some time off and put in perspective the usual rituals of your life.
The informational and sensorial bombing can be overwhelming - there are theories that suggest that schizophrenia itself is a result of a energy failure of the brain, who is overwhelmed by too much information and stimulation. The evolution of our cortex can be faulty in some of the people who can't handle too much of the noisy reality.
And those of us who can handle it, will consume and be in a neverending search for something more, better, nicer than what we already have. It is an art to learn to be satisfied with what you already have - that doesn't mean to stop working to improve the future, but do it with a sense of satisfaction and gratitude for what you have already.
Being grateful is an exercise recommended by many therapists - helps you change the focus from what you don't have to what you already achieved. Content gives you a certain peace and balance which will empower your efforts for a greater future even more.
Of course, there will be always things, people, achievements that we do not have and we feel we need or want them. They may come or not in the future. Are you willing to keep chasing them hoping that you will feel happy and fulfilled once you will have them?
Probably would be better to start feeling joy and happiness here and now and let the feeling of content be your drive towards future achievements.
We will always be consumers - goods, ideas, words, emotions, hopes, people. But as much as the living standards improved in the last 50 years, happiness or level of satisfaction, as it is measured in statistics, is not higher than the one we had 50 years ago.
We have better cars, better health care, more leisure time, better entertainments, modern spirituality and still not happier than we were when we didn't have all this. Why?
Because happiness doesn't come from goods and possessions - studies showed that what makes us happy is relating to other people, the feeling of sharing and communion with those alike, doing good just for the sake of doing good.
The selfish gene looks that has been overshadowed by the altruistic gene - the essence of our happiness relies in the definition of humanity itself - share your world with other people, invite others to come into your life and engage in simple, low cost soul activities - friendship, love, sharing.
Later, education will filter all the information that sees the light of our consciousness and then, some time in the youth we can claim our independence from the hidden forces that shaped our character.
Maybe the essence of life is the desire - that's the drive force that will make you do whatever you are doing. And that's the culprit named by Buddha as the root of all sufferings. Going beyond desire, well, that's a mission hard to accomplish and it's reward, while it can make you feel detached and in control, can make you also feel lonely, as very few have mastered the manual for becoming gods.
Many times you are not aware of these desires, even though you might say that you know what you want. The truth is that most of the times you don't - the motivations that pushes you to do things are most of the time hidden and unconscious, disguised by better "good looking" ones.
We develop our desires through social learning - each society has a certain level, archetype of happiness and we constantly compare ourselves to a certain sample of people who we chose as being our ultimate expression of happiness.
Research done in the field of happiness revealed some very interesting things: for example, they offered subjects to choose between an income of 300K a year, when everybody else from the community is making 400k, or to make 40k a year while the others have an income of 30k.
Surprisingly, the majority chose to have the lower income of 40k. Seems irrational, right? Why to chose 40k over 300k? The answer lies in one of the paradoxes of humanity: people made the illogical choice only because they compare to what others have to define their own level of achievement and happiness.
In the light of these findings, the definition of a wealthy man - as one who earns $100 a year more than his wife's sister's husband, sounds pretty believable.
Our standards of happiness will always be a reflection of comparing to others and a direct result of the particular society we live in. In a communist country, where the freedom of expression might be a high treat due to it's political control, one could see happiness in being allowed to say whatever he wants; while in US, where these human rights were achieved a long time ago, the standards are quite different.
That's why also your own standards of happiness will change over time: when you are 16, to live on your own without your folks, to have a car and just be able to hang around with friends looks like heaven. When you are 30 things gets tougher - the happiness level will be much raised and expectations are much higher as well.
Is there ever a moment when you can say that that's it, you are living it? Unfortunately, life and the curb of happiness comes with a big trap - most people don't know when to stop. They will keep on achieving, having, becoming and each time a goal was achieved the bar is raised higher.
It's like they are in a life long competition - they compete with the other members of their community or society, or even of their family or with themselves.
And this is how we become consumers: we consume with a hunger worth of higher means. We desire, we crave, we follow social rituals in search for a kind of achievement that will give us a sort of meaning.
Plant yourself across the entrance of a club one night: the crowd attending looks like a hoard of hungry organisms - hungry for visual excitements, for touchy fabrics and sensations, hungry for noises and excitements, hungry to be seen and noticed in the end.
It's nothing wrong with clubs and other places for social interactions - is just that most people live in a constant feeling of competition, of insatisfaction that they don't have this and that, postponing happiness for that moment when they will achieve, have or be a certain thing.
Life is full of interruptions though and luckily, will offer you some moments when you will be forced to analyze your goals, to prioritize and decide what's important and what's not. The individual formula of happiness will be discovered when you take some time off and put in perspective the usual rituals of your life.
The informational and sensorial bombing can be overwhelming - there are theories that suggest that schizophrenia itself is a result of a energy failure of the brain, who is overwhelmed by too much information and stimulation. The evolution of our cortex can be faulty in some of the people who can't handle too much of the noisy reality.
And those of us who can handle it, will consume and be in a neverending search for something more, better, nicer than what we already have. It is an art to learn to be satisfied with what you already have - that doesn't mean to stop working to improve the future, but do it with a sense of satisfaction and gratitude for what you have already.
Being grateful is an exercise recommended by many therapists - helps you change the focus from what you don't have to what you already achieved. Content gives you a certain peace and balance which will empower your efforts for a greater future even more.
Of course, there will be always things, people, achievements that we do not have and we feel we need or want them. They may come or not in the future. Are you willing to keep chasing them hoping that you will feel happy and fulfilled once you will have them?
Probably would be better to start feeling joy and happiness here and now and let the feeling of content be your drive towards future achievements.
We will always be consumers - goods, ideas, words, emotions, hopes, people. But as much as the living standards improved in the last 50 years, happiness or level of satisfaction, as it is measured in statistics, is not higher than the one we had 50 years ago.
We have better cars, better health care, more leisure time, better entertainments, modern spirituality and still not happier than we were when we didn't have all this. Why?
Because happiness doesn't come from goods and possessions - studies showed that what makes us happy is relating to other people, the feeling of sharing and communion with those alike, doing good just for the sake of doing good.
The selfish gene looks that has been overshadowed by the altruistic gene - the essence of our happiness relies in the definition of humanity itself - share your world with other people, invite others to come into your life and engage in simple, low cost soul activities - friendship, love, sharing.
Tricks of the mind- seeing is believing
V.S. Ramachandran is a big name in neuroscience. He is probably most famous for his research in the realm of phantom limbs - people who can still have sensations in the limbs that were amputated. His research uncovered some big mysteries of the brain functioning and brought relief to those in pain.
His experiments were absolutely fascinating and I will mention few here since they have some spectacular implications for how our brain works and what we can do to achieve results only by working with the mind.
The experimenters were interested to see how we distinguish our body from other objects and they came up with the following setting: one subject hid his hand behind an opaque screen, then they placed a rubber hand next to the screen where it can be seen by the person, like it would be the normal hand.
Then they tickled both hands - the real hidden one and the rubber visible one and the subject reported that he felt as if the rubber hand was his ow hand. How did that happened?
The sense of seeing did the magic: the ability to see the event happening, tricked the brain into believing that the fake limb was it's own. The integration of the 2 senses - touch and see, helped the brain adopt the fake limb.
They took the experiment further, creating an out-of body experience, using a similar technique. And out of body did they felt!
What is more surprisingly is that the body reacts to the new "conclusions" accordingly - for example, in the hand, the real one who become disowned by being replaced by the rubber one, the temperature of the body dropped.
And the brain responded more slowly to the stimulation of the disowned hand compared to the response from stimulating the rubber one. Conclusion: when the brain forgets about a limb, the body follows congruently.
These studies holds a crucial meaning for the mind-body interaction. If what the brain needs to believe is to see the "fake" staged reality, than the visualization exercises used both in psychotherapy, meditation or alternative healing procedures, might be more effective than we used to believe.
The power of visualization, of mentally seeing yourself doing certain activities and manifesting certain attitudes it seems that has a big impact on the body.
For example, they discovered that only by sitting and imagining doing exercises in a gym(or seeing a videotape of yourself doing the exercises), you can get as 50% results of what you would get if you would exercise for real. And these are scientific conclusions!
Now they apply this findings in performance sports by repeating a new exercise first in the mind, with detailed visualization . The execution that follows is much more accurate and flawless as a result of the imagination techniques.
It is interesting how science started to confirm some of the ideas that were only intuitively expressed so far. The idea of power of the mind over body seemed to have been hijacked few decades ago by the new age movement. Lately though, science started to confirm and even take further some of these concepts.
These findings have a crucial significance: you can basically train in your mind for pretty much anything you want to achieve. The secret is to do it very detailed, evoking all the responses that you would naturally get by engaging in that activity for real.
Although it seems so easy to stay put and exercise in your mind, many people would actually prefer to do the real thing like going to the gym and sweating it, since mind work is not such an easy thing. Many people won't be able to sustain an imaginative process, due to lack of concentration and attention deficit.
The visualization process used in some forms of psychotherapy as well, start to hold new healing meanings. By going in your mind over some difficult to handle situations and changing the output in your mind, seeing yourself handling those situations in the desired manner, you can feel empowered to carry those changes to real life also.
That is because your brain has already created the neuronal circuit for that action/habit/attitude through the repeated imagination exercises. When the real thing will happen, the brain won't take so much time to create performance since already practiced the behavioral responses.
Day dreaming has been found also to have an important significance for the wellbeing. Due to the fact that we usually imagine certain scenarios, some fantastic, some real in our minds, our brain gets the chance to rehearse and acquire the needed responses in the mind.
Mind wondering seems to improve social interactions and give a boost to creativity.
It is interesting how science moves things from the pathological sphere into the healthy, even recommended one. Far from being a culprit, daydreaming seems to help generate the sense of self and may even offer clues to understanding consciousness.
Daydreaming offers you the perfect frame to exercise different scenarios like love affairs, handle difficult situation like talking to your boss, taking tests, having adventures, engaging in dangerous activities without any real consequences.
If we take note that the brain doesn't make the difference between the dreaming occurring in the night sleep and reality, then you might understand why daydreaming - a somewhat conscious act of dreaming, can be helpful for your mental health. Your brain will think the events took place for real and will map itself accordingly.
By imagining healthy experiences, daydreaming allows you to enjoy emotions and benefits, with important learning and rewarding consequences.
Now you can stop feeling guilty for letting your mind travel far beyond the day to day reality - it is not only healthy but recommended as well. See, do, feel, become anything you want in your day to day dreams - that will take you a step closer to your ideal self.
His experiments were absolutely fascinating and I will mention few here since they have some spectacular implications for how our brain works and what we can do to achieve results only by working with the mind.
The experimenters were interested to see how we distinguish our body from other objects and they came up with the following setting: one subject hid his hand behind an opaque screen, then they placed a rubber hand next to the screen where it can be seen by the person, like it would be the normal hand.
Then they tickled both hands - the real hidden one and the rubber visible one and the subject reported that he felt as if the rubber hand was his ow hand. How did that happened?
The sense of seeing did the magic: the ability to see the event happening, tricked the brain into believing that the fake limb was it's own. The integration of the 2 senses - touch and see, helped the brain adopt the fake limb.
They took the experiment further, creating an out-of body experience, using a similar technique. And out of body did they felt!
What is more surprisingly is that the body reacts to the new "conclusions" accordingly - for example, in the hand, the real one who become disowned by being replaced by the rubber one, the temperature of the body dropped.
And the brain responded more slowly to the stimulation of the disowned hand compared to the response from stimulating the rubber one. Conclusion: when the brain forgets about a limb, the body follows congruently.
These studies holds a crucial meaning for the mind-body interaction. If what the brain needs to believe is to see the "fake" staged reality, than the visualization exercises used both in psychotherapy, meditation or alternative healing procedures, might be more effective than we used to believe.
The power of visualization, of mentally seeing yourself doing certain activities and manifesting certain attitudes it seems that has a big impact on the body.
For example, they discovered that only by sitting and imagining doing exercises in a gym(or seeing a videotape of yourself doing the exercises), you can get as 50% results of what you would get if you would exercise for real. And these are scientific conclusions!
Now they apply this findings in performance sports by repeating a new exercise first in the mind, with detailed visualization . The execution that follows is much more accurate and flawless as a result of the imagination techniques.
It is interesting how science started to confirm some of the ideas that were only intuitively expressed so far. The idea of power of the mind over body seemed to have been hijacked few decades ago by the new age movement. Lately though, science started to confirm and even take further some of these concepts.
These findings have a crucial significance: you can basically train in your mind for pretty much anything you want to achieve. The secret is to do it very detailed, evoking all the responses that you would naturally get by engaging in that activity for real.
Although it seems so easy to stay put and exercise in your mind, many people would actually prefer to do the real thing like going to the gym and sweating it, since mind work is not such an easy thing. Many people won't be able to sustain an imaginative process, due to lack of concentration and attention deficit.
The visualization process used in some forms of psychotherapy as well, start to hold new healing meanings. By going in your mind over some difficult to handle situations and changing the output in your mind, seeing yourself handling those situations in the desired manner, you can feel empowered to carry those changes to real life also.
That is because your brain has already created the neuronal circuit for that action/habit/attitude through the repeated imagination exercises. When the real thing will happen, the brain won't take so much time to create performance since already practiced the behavioral responses.
Day dreaming has been found also to have an important significance for the wellbeing. Due to the fact that we usually imagine certain scenarios, some fantastic, some real in our minds, our brain gets the chance to rehearse and acquire the needed responses in the mind.
Mind wondering seems to improve social interactions and give a boost to creativity.
It is interesting how science moves things from the pathological sphere into the healthy, even recommended one. Far from being a culprit, daydreaming seems to help generate the sense of self and may even offer clues to understanding consciousness.
Daydreaming offers you the perfect frame to exercise different scenarios like love affairs, handle difficult situation like talking to your boss, taking tests, having adventures, engaging in dangerous activities without any real consequences.
If we take note that the brain doesn't make the difference between the dreaming occurring in the night sleep and reality, then you might understand why daydreaming - a somewhat conscious act of dreaming, can be helpful for your mental health. Your brain will think the events took place for real and will map itself accordingly.
By imagining healthy experiences, daydreaming allows you to enjoy emotions and benefits, with important learning and rewarding consequences.
Now you can stop feeling guilty for letting your mind travel far beyond the day to day reality - it is not only healthy but recommended as well. See, do, feel, become anything you want in your day to day dreams - that will take you a step closer to your ideal self.
April 11, 2009
Boost your brain power
Good news. Your brain is not unchangeable. You can play with it, even grow new cells, create new circuits, remap attitudes. Suddenly, the new- ageish motto that you can be whatever you want to be, holds new scientifically meanings.
Your brain and it's interaction with environment creates your every day reality. I am not going into metaphysical arguments as to what consciousness is, I am not inviting to any soul searching or mental gymnastics. It's just that the neuroscience showed me that the fascination never ends when it comes about the brain and studying it doesn't take the magic out of life, but opens new horizons for it.
So, your brain can be changed for the better. Every experience, thought habits and behaviors have a specific map in your brain. Science used to believe that what you've got is what you have, that's it, the possibility to change anything about it is gone when you hit 20 years of age.
However, last decades showed scientists that brain has a wonderful quality - plasticity, that it can still be molded by different actions. So you are not stuck with your old self - you can literally change yourself by acquiring different habits.
Step 1:
Exercise. Yes, might sound overrated, but is not. I bet you know that exercise is good for your body. But physical exercise is incredible good for your brain also. Exercise increases blood flow to the brain, speeding up the delivery of oxygen and nutrients necessary for neuronal activity.
Research showed that exercise increases the levels of a miracle substance called brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) which promotes growth, survival and communication of neurons. The benefits of exercise are brilliantly exposed by the psychiatrist John J. Ratey in his book Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain.
He explains how exercise improves memory, attention, slows the aging process and even reverse the dementia and Alzheimer in patients. After I read that book I felt so guilty if I wouldn't exercise for a day.
Exercise is basically the supreme vitamin, research showing that it is as effective, for example, as Prozac and other antidepressant are.
In the schools that introduced an hour of cardio in the morning before classes, students had a 30% increase in test results and overall performance. Pretty convincing. Even 20 minutes of walking can trick your mind into being more active. Get up from that couch (after you finish my article) and start moving. Help yourself to become a better version of you.
Step 2:
Diet. Well yes, you can't escape it. You need to become aware of what your diet is. Studies carried on rats showed that high diet in saturated fat made them underperform on tests on learning and memory while humans who entertain this unhealthy habits seem to be at a higher risk of developing dementia.
It is significant also to have a calorie restricted diet, that means - don't eat as much as you can, but 25% or more less than you feel full - will add few healthy years to your life.
What are the recommended food for your brain? Fruits and vegetables high on antioxidants- will keep your memory in shape and reduce brain damage provoked by strokes.
Other goodies for your mind: walnuts, spinach, blueberries, omega-3 fatty acids products.
Now that's food for thought. However, do not frustrates your senses of your favorite foods. As much as we need food for the body, many times our eating fulfills some emotional needs as well.
It is a kind of drug for the brain if we think that chocolate and cheese can mimic some of the effects of being in love. Stay balanced, indulge your senses from time to time and prioritize your goals for life - that will help you decide what's the best approach to fulfill them.
Step 3:
Music. I bet you had this epiphany at a point in your life: music can change your mood almost in a heart bit. You put some of your favorite soul tracks and suddenly you find yourself engulfed in romantic and touchy feelings.
Jogging is still recommended though to be accompanied by some faster rhythmic sounds. Classic music has been found to increase creativity and promote abstract thinking. Although the Mozart effect has been somehow discredited by repeated research, music still holds magic vibration - can treat insomnia and anxiety, help premature babies gain weight, lower your blood pressure and calm patients with dementia.
There are some suggesting that even music training can change the map of your brain - students had spatial skills improved compared to those with no musical training. Even singing a song in your head can do the job.
Now maybe you're still reluctant to try that karaoke machine but listening to different kind of music will do a good job for your brain. Be aware of noises-like music (still considered music by some) - it will only activate your amygdala, the hub of your emotional memory and the center for fear and excitement. Maybe it's time to fulfill your life long fantasy of taking piano lessons or buy a saxophone or violin - they might become your best friends, beside the ipod.
Step4.
Video games. They've been subjects of much dispute over the years, some parents worrying that the kid's fascination with video games might impair their social abilities. Research showed that surgeons who played video games for a few hours made less errors in the operating room by one third, compared to those that didn't engaged in this activities.
Why? Because video gaming improves hand-eye coordination, depth perception, pattern recognition and mental dexterity, better attention span. Even the US army had been convinced by the benefits of videogaming, creating special video games to improve specific skills.
So go on, your' allowed: indulge once in a while in a video game with no guilt attached - it's the doctor's recommendation. You can even buy some shares in a video-game company- it is unlikely that the need for play in humans will ever diminish, especially when the benefits are so addictive.
Step5:
Stimulants. The good and legal ones: caffeine - might be the universal one found in every house. By boosting arousal and alertness will activate your central nervous system - when it is taken in a healthy dose. Excess might have a reversed affect, giving you anxiety and insomnia.
2 cups of coffee will improve your short term memory and reaction time. The are countless benefits resulting of consuming caffeine, the key word being moderation.
Amphetamines, cocaine and their evil sister products impact the brain by increasing the secretion of dopamine and serotonin - the feel good chemicals in your brain. They basically abuse the normal mechanism of releasing this substances and therefore they will make them reduce their function in normal state and eventually can even shut them down- that's why these substances are addictive and the dose need to be increased to get the initial effect. Not recommended, happiness and pleasure can be achieved in other healthy ways.
Step6.
Meditation. Like the sport, it seems to be the ultimate vitamin and cure: will improve all areas of your mental activity and body functioning- soothes anxiety, reduces high blood pressure, insomnia, diabetes, depression, reduces pain and stress.
Meditation has been found to be as effective as cognitive therapy and anti-depressive medication are.They monitored buddhist monks who had a long practice of meditation. The map of their brain was obviously changed for the better.
The firing of the neurons which is usually more chaotic was synchronized in the brains of the meditators. Neurons made more connections in the cerebral cortex, improving overall functioning, memory and calming the amygdala, the center that manages the feelings of fear and anxiety.
Better focus and attention had been a direct outcome of meditation habits. Meditation has the power of creating a mental space to deal with events and ideas, to breathe in another world where concepts and realities have a more essential shape.
Step 7.
Thinking patterns. Your brain was mapped to function by the habits, action and thoughts that you entertained along your life. Although the brain you already have by the given of genetics and environment will direct your thinking in a certain way, you can reverse this mechanism by changing the way you think.
We make many thinking errors and research has showed that we shouldn't believe everything we think. We shouldn't take ourselves too seriously, as reality is a process of reflection both objective and subjective.
By changing thinking patterns you can train your mind to get rid of old negative habits and create new circuits in the brain. Change is possible - you just need to build the needed mental mussels. Just like you go to the gym to improve your body looks, the same can be done for your mind by training yourself to entertain positive healthy thoughts.
Your brain and it's interaction with environment creates your every day reality. I am not going into metaphysical arguments as to what consciousness is, I am not inviting to any soul searching or mental gymnastics. It's just that the neuroscience showed me that the fascination never ends when it comes about the brain and studying it doesn't take the magic out of life, but opens new horizons for it.
So, your brain can be changed for the better. Every experience, thought habits and behaviors have a specific map in your brain. Science used to believe that what you've got is what you have, that's it, the possibility to change anything about it is gone when you hit 20 years of age.
However, last decades showed scientists that brain has a wonderful quality - plasticity, that it can still be molded by different actions. So you are not stuck with your old self - you can literally change yourself by acquiring different habits.
Step 1:
Exercise. Yes, might sound overrated, but is not. I bet you know that exercise is good for your body. But physical exercise is incredible good for your brain also. Exercise increases blood flow to the brain, speeding up the delivery of oxygen and nutrients necessary for neuronal activity.
Research showed that exercise increases the levels of a miracle substance called brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) which promotes growth, survival and communication of neurons. The benefits of exercise are brilliantly exposed by the psychiatrist John J. Ratey in his book Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain.
He explains how exercise improves memory, attention, slows the aging process and even reverse the dementia and Alzheimer in patients. After I read that book I felt so guilty if I wouldn't exercise for a day.
Exercise is basically the supreme vitamin, research showing that it is as effective, for example, as Prozac and other antidepressant are.
In the schools that introduced an hour of cardio in the morning before classes, students had a 30% increase in test results and overall performance. Pretty convincing. Even 20 minutes of walking can trick your mind into being more active. Get up from that couch (after you finish my article) and start moving. Help yourself to become a better version of you.
Step 2:
Diet. Well yes, you can't escape it. You need to become aware of what your diet is. Studies carried on rats showed that high diet in saturated fat made them underperform on tests on learning and memory while humans who entertain this unhealthy habits seem to be at a higher risk of developing dementia.
It is significant also to have a calorie restricted diet, that means - don't eat as much as you can, but 25% or more less than you feel full - will add few healthy years to your life.
What are the recommended food for your brain? Fruits and vegetables high on antioxidants- will keep your memory in shape and reduce brain damage provoked by strokes.
Other goodies for your mind: walnuts, spinach, blueberries, omega-3 fatty acids products.
Now that's food for thought. However, do not frustrates your senses of your favorite foods. As much as we need food for the body, many times our eating fulfills some emotional needs as well.
It is a kind of drug for the brain if we think that chocolate and cheese can mimic some of the effects of being in love. Stay balanced, indulge your senses from time to time and prioritize your goals for life - that will help you decide what's the best approach to fulfill them.
Step 3:
Music. I bet you had this epiphany at a point in your life: music can change your mood almost in a heart bit. You put some of your favorite soul tracks and suddenly you find yourself engulfed in romantic and touchy feelings.
Jogging is still recommended though to be accompanied by some faster rhythmic sounds. Classic music has been found to increase creativity and promote abstract thinking. Although the Mozart effect has been somehow discredited by repeated research, music still holds magic vibration - can treat insomnia and anxiety, help premature babies gain weight, lower your blood pressure and calm patients with dementia.
There are some suggesting that even music training can change the map of your brain - students had spatial skills improved compared to those with no musical training. Even singing a song in your head can do the job.
Now maybe you're still reluctant to try that karaoke machine but listening to different kind of music will do a good job for your brain. Be aware of noises-like music (still considered music by some) - it will only activate your amygdala, the hub of your emotional memory and the center for fear and excitement. Maybe it's time to fulfill your life long fantasy of taking piano lessons or buy a saxophone or violin - they might become your best friends, beside the ipod.
Step4.
Video games. They've been subjects of much dispute over the years, some parents worrying that the kid's fascination with video games might impair their social abilities. Research showed that surgeons who played video games for a few hours made less errors in the operating room by one third, compared to those that didn't engaged in this activities.
Why? Because video gaming improves hand-eye coordination, depth perception, pattern recognition and mental dexterity, better attention span. Even the US army had been convinced by the benefits of videogaming, creating special video games to improve specific skills.
So go on, your' allowed: indulge once in a while in a video game with no guilt attached - it's the doctor's recommendation. You can even buy some shares in a video-game company- it is unlikely that the need for play in humans will ever diminish, especially when the benefits are so addictive.
Step5:
Stimulants. The good and legal ones: caffeine - might be the universal one found in every house. By boosting arousal and alertness will activate your central nervous system - when it is taken in a healthy dose. Excess might have a reversed affect, giving you anxiety and insomnia.
2 cups of coffee will improve your short term memory and reaction time. The are countless benefits resulting of consuming caffeine, the key word being moderation.
Amphetamines, cocaine and their evil sister products impact the brain by increasing the secretion of dopamine and serotonin - the feel good chemicals in your brain. They basically abuse the normal mechanism of releasing this substances and therefore they will make them reduce their function in normal state and eventually can even shut them down- that's why these substances are addictive and the dose need to be increased to get the initial effect. Not recommended, happiness and pleasure can be achieved in other healthy ways.
Step6.
Meditation. Like the sport, it seems to be the ultimate vitamin and cure: will improve all areas of your mental activity and body functioning- soothes anxiety, reduces high blood pressure, insomnia, diabetes, depression, reduces pain and stress.
Meditation has been found to be as effective as cognitive therapy and anti-depressive medication are.They monitored buddhist monks who had a long practice of meditation. The map of their brain was obviously changed for the better.
The firing of the neurons which is usually more chaotic was synchronized in the brains of the meditators. Neurons made more connections in the cerebral cortex, improving overall functioning, memory and calming the amygdala, the center that manages the feelings of fear and anxiety.
Better focus and attention had been a direct outcome of meditation habits. Meditation has the power of creating a mental space to deal with events and ideas, to breathe in another world where concepts and realities have a more essential shape.
Step 7.
Thinking patterns. Your brain was mapped to function by the habits, action and thoughts that you entertained along your life. Although the brain you already have by the given of genetics and environment will direct your thinking in a certain way, you can reverse this mechanism by changing the way you think.
We make many thinking errors and research has showed that we shouldn't believe everything we think. We shouldn't take ourselves too seriously, as reality is a process of reflection both objective and subjective.
By changing thinking patterns you can train your mind to get rid of old negative habits and create new circuits in the brain. Change is possible - you just need to build the needed mental mussels. Just like you go to the gym to improve your body looks, the same can be done for your mind by training yourself to entertain positive healthy thoughts.
April 10, 2009
Women who love too much
Do women love too much?
I am sure you have heard this title or formula either from the media, either from your girlfriends, complaining that they are the ones who sacrifice in a relationship.
But is it truly possible to love too much?
Firstly, we would have to agree on a definition of love so we can see who are the heroes who overdose on this behavior. And that is pretty much an impossible mission, since thousands of years of evolution didn't improve much in the way we live and understand love, much less on having a manual of love and relationships.
But since we are human, we will compromise and agree that love is a deep emotion that fulfills your soul, gives you meaning and makes interaction with people worthy of deeper levels.
The problems arises when, for many women, love is indeed the triumph of imagination over ration. That was simplistic, I agree, but I'll leave the sophistication to be in love's doings, since our minds are hungrier for simpler answers.
And I will not be misogynistic (not me) and I will expand this pathological side of love to men as well. Many women and men will get actually attached on the feeling of love, on the intense chemical revolution that is sparked within the brain by the projections awakened by this feeling and will engage in unhealthy forms of "love".
More often than not love is misinterpreted as attachment, illusion spiced with it's intimate friends - possessiveness and jealousy all along the ride. And what a wild ride for many of us love can be.
Women who love too much are women who will keep investing in a relationship although all the signs tells them that they should move on. Women who love too much are those who give too many second chances, women that will hold an irrational hope that things will change or get better, even after years of progressive decline of a relationship.
Women who love too much are women who will keep giving and giving, without getting not nearly half in return, are women who misunderstand forgiveness with naivete.
Probably it is more specific to women, since the social stereotype, religion moral and family education holds women as the bearers of the forgiveness, understanding and the keeper of the family nest.
And since this society it is still a misogynistic one, with higher payed jobs held by men, with discrimination against women in the hiring process, with much less women in high key position and with a sex industry exploiting mainly the women, then this biased society will oblige women to take decisions having in mind many other reasons than that of "free love".
Women who love too much tend to get more attached emotionally and financially, they will center their live around The Man, fulfilling their life by fulfilling the man's life.
Women who love too much are women who give up on searching a personal meaning for their life, whose main job is to build a pedestal for the relationship and their man, who will find meaning in nesting an emotional attachment - efforts which will be rewarded most of the time with indifference and neglect.
And that is happening because one of the secrets of a healthy relationship is independence. And when your partner will be burdened by your expectations because you give so much (too much), most of the time they will try to escape and take distance- exact the opposite effect you expected.
If on the other hand you show independence, on all levels - emotional, sexual, financial, intellectual, then your will become a wanted person - everyone is secretly in search for this kind of partner. It's just the complicated web of our minds doesn't allow us to be aware or voice freely our desires.
When one has found the happiness and fulfillment through it's own life choices, then the relationship won't be an expression of a need or of the desire of escaping loneliness - but an expression of the desire to share the beauty of life, to enjoy together the understandings and individual fulfillment.
But most of the time people will engage in relationships from all the wrong reasons. I guess it is a kind of weird pleasure in experiencing that possessiveness feeling of belonging to someone, a kind of unreal security which we would like to be real, that nothing bad is ever going to happened and that our existence will be validated by being seen and acknowledged by the loved one forever.
This lie is sold to us since the very step of a marriage: the vows, the promises that we make to each other eyes in eyes with a spark of an unrealistic hope - unrealistic because life around us is proving us wrong in our high hopes at every step. And yet we keep continuing to lie to ourselves and make irrational emotional investments - it is a kind of shared madness.
Another reality of life is that we have to come to terms, at a point, with the feeling of insecurity which is an implacable principle of life, but yet we try to deny it or escape it by all means.
Learning to tolerate a certain amount of uncertainty and even enjoy the mystery of life, being confident in your own powers to attract always fulfilling experiences, will give you the power and freedom to not be possessive and needy in a relationship.
Will give you that aura of self confidence and nobless that is ever so seductive because everyone is unconsciously seeking for this: finding balance within themselves and achieving a level of happiness less dependent on people or exterior factors. And if they see that in you, they will follow you like a magnet - they want to be close to someone who they would like to be like.
Women who love too much can learn to love themselves firstly more than loving others and find fascination and fulfillment in various dimensions of life - life is so generous in it's offer of ways of doing something great. Maybe you won't get the noble Prize but at your own award ceremony you can get an Oscar for a life lived after an original screenplay - yours!
And then you might switch places and be the one who is loved too much - with real, conscious love!
I am sure you have heard this title or formula either from the media, either from your girlfriends, complaining that they are the ones who sacrifice in a relationship.
But is it truly possible to love too much?
Firstly, we would have to agree on a definition of love so we can see who are the heroes who overdose on this behavior. And that is pretty much an impossible mission, since thousands of years of evolution didn't improve much in the way we live and understand love, much less on having a manual of love and relationships.
But since we are human, we will compromise and agree that love is a deep emotion that fulfills your soul, gives you meaning and makes interaction with people worthy of deeper levels.
The problems arises when, for many women, love is indeed the triumph of imagination over ration. That was simplistic, I agree, but I'll leave the sophistication to be in love's doings, since our minds are hungrier for simpler answers.
And I will not be misogynistic (not me) and I will expand this pathological side of love to men as well. Many women and men will get actually attached on the feeling of love, on the intense chemical revolution that is sparked within the brain by the projections awakened by this feeling and will engage in unhealthy forms of "love".
More often than not love is misinterpreted as attachment, illusion spiced with it's intimate friends - possessiveness and jealousy all along the ride. And what a wild ride for many of us love can be.
Women who love too much are women who will keep investing in a relationship although all the signs tells them that they should move on. Women who love too much are those who give too many second chances, women that will hold an irrational hope that things will change or get better, even after years of progressive decline of a relationship.
Women who love too much are women who will keep giving and giving, without getting not nearly half in return, are women who misunderstand forgiveness with naivete.
Probably it is more specific to women, since the social stereotype, religion moral and family education holds women as the bearers of the forgiveness, understanding and the keeper of the family nest.
And since this society it is still a misogynistic one, with higher payed jobs held by men, with discrimination against women in the hiring process, with much less women in high key position and with a sex industry exploiting mainly the women, then this biased society will oblige women to take decisions having in mind many other reasons than that of "free love".
Women who love too much tend to get more attached emotionally and financially, they will center their live around The Man, fulfilling their life by fulfilling the man's life.
Women who love too much are women who give up on searching a personal meaning for their life, whose main job is to build a pedestal for the relationship and their man, who will find meaning in nesting an emotional attachment - efforts which will be rewarded most of the time with indifference and neglect.
And that is happening because one of the secrets of a healthy relationship is independence. And when your partner will be burdened by your expectations because you give so much (too much), most of the time they will try to escape and take distance- exact the opposite effect you expected.
If on the other hand you show independence, on all levels - emotional, sexual, financial, intellectual, then your will become a wanted person - everyone is secretly in search for this kind of partner. It's just the complicated web of our minds doesn't allow us to be aware or voice freely our desires.
When one has found the happiness and fulfillment through it's own life choices, then the relationship won't be an expression of a need or of the desire of escaping loneliness - but an expression of the desire to share the beauty of life, to enjoy together the understandings and individual fulfillment.
But most of the time people will engage in relationships from all the wrong reasons. I guess it is a kind of weird pleasure in experiencing that possessiveness feeling of belonging to someone, a kind of unreal security which we would like to be real, that nothing bad is ever going to happened and that our existence will be validated by being seen and acknowledged by the loved one forever.
This lie is sold to us since the very step of a marriage: the vows, the promises that we make to each other eyes in eyes with a spark of an unrealistic hope - unrealistic because life around us is proving us wrong in our high hopes at every step. And yet we keep continuing to lie to ourselves and make irrational emotional investments - it is a kind of shared madness.
Another reality of life is that we have to come to terms, at a point, with the feeling of insecurity which is an implacable principle of life, but yet we try to deny it or escape it by all means.
Learning to tolerate a certain amount of uncertainty and even enjoy the mystery of life, being confident in your own powers to attract always fulfilling experiences, will give you the power and freedom to not be possessive and needy in a relationship.
Will give you that aura of self confidence and nobless that is ever so seductive because everyone is unconsciously seeking for this: finding balance within themselves and achieving a level of happiness less dependent on people or exterior factors. And if they see that in you, they will follow you like a magnet - they want to be close to someone who they would like to be like.
Women who love too much can learn to love themselves firstly more than loving others and find fascination and fulfillment in various dimensions of life - life is so generous in it's offer of ways of doing something great. Maybe you won't get the noble Prize but at your own award ceremony you can get an Oscar for a life lived after an original screenplay - yours!
And then you might switch places and be the one who is loved too much - with real, conscious love!
April 9, 2009
Tips for a better match
I've been there too, I have been searching for "the one". I used to believe that there is a perfect match out there, "my better half" as people use to call it , that will give me that feeling of completeness, fulfillment and total communion.
Then life taught me that there will be more than one person who, at different times, may represent "the one". And then I gave up on the rigid idea that there is only one person out there for me, realizing that we change, we grow up through our experiences and understandings and therefor our inner archetype for the "one" will change also. What used to be a desirable mate at 20 will be different than what you wish for at 35.
The research I've done, following my desire of understanding the inner strings of attraction and what makes people be a better match, lead me to some interesting understandings.
Of course, it is common knowledge that in any kind of relationship you need to do some compromises. And it's true, some things can be worked out. But others are so important that shouldn't be compromised with - that's when the trouble begins, when people compromise on important treats of personality that scores high on their list of "must have" qualities in a partner. And yet, they are blinded - not by love, but by other desires who are stronger at the time (passion, attachment, even financial needs).
There are 3 very important areas in which 2 individuals need to be a very good match in order to make a relationship work. The degree of compatibility in this areas will be reflected in the communion and feeling of oneness that a couple will have.
1. Common values and visions about life. Although they say that the opposite attracts, for the sake of a relationship is better to let the principle of similarity to win. 2 people who will share same opinions, treasure similar values and have common visions and goals for life, will be and feel much closer to each other. Their efforts will be constructive and they will feel much stronger, protected and understood in a relationship.
If you prefer to read a book while your partner likes to check the clubs, then probably you are not a very good match. 2 people who have similar levels of energy will enjoy more activities together as well. Someone who is healthy conscious will have different lifestyle choices than someone who indulges in hedonistic behaviors like there is no tomorrow.
You need to share values and life philosophies that will make you feel understood and validated- things that we will always need to get in a relationship.
2. Similar pragmatic attitudes and behaviors toward little things of life. Which in time can get big things - it is not uncommon to hear about a couple who splits over the fact that he likes to scatter his clothing on the floor all around the house while she folds even her lingerie in the closet before going to bed. An abstract painter won't be a good match for a tax accountant.
Even if it is easily managed or forgiven in the beginning, repetitive disturbing behavior will alter the harmony and threaten the core of a relationship. It is very important for a couple to have similar habits, goals and attitudes toward these non-romantic facts of life like: cleanness, money, investments, house keeping, holidays etc.
Even if they look minor in the bigger frame of the attraction, in time these differences will sabotage the harmony of a couple, leaving the 2 of them wondering why it didn't worked out because they still love each other. Early in a relationship you need to establish some rules related to the pragmatic aspects of life lived together which have to be responsible assumed.
3. Sexual compatibility. The 2 partners need to find themselves in the same level of attractiveness and to be a good match as well in terms of erotic interaction. I had many couples in therapy complaining that one of the partners was less sexual active.
It is crucial to match the 2 sex drives and have a partner with an energetic level, rhythm and passion close to yours. Although, again, people can be attracted in an interesting way to someone who is opposite, if the difference is too big, this will show in time and they will start resenting the other one for the very thing that attracted them in the first place.
They might be a good match for a while but unfulfilled desires will start frustrate one of them and things will fall apart. On the background of sexual frustration, one of the partner may start look some other places to satisfy the sexual desires - and you don't want that. Each partner has to be aware of the partner's needs and be willing to fulfill them without feeling that it is an effort. Find someone with the same passion, desire and hungry for your body as well for your mind.
These 3 are the main areas that 2 people need to be as close as possible to ensure a longlasting relationship. The feeling of love, although so praised and idealized, can't survive if these technical details are overlooked- which most people do.
We have an irrational hope that things will work out without any intervention, that energies will be balanced in a natural way. Most of the time, that doesn't happened- 50% rate of divorce speaks for itself.
And most people hope that things will just happen, in a kind of natural order, like we all have a personal legend that will mysteriously attract the one we need, that the universe will conspire to bring the one we want on our path.
This might happen as well (mostly in movies and books), but your personal legend involves also the understanding that love and relationships are both an art and a science.
And that makes it even more fascinating: to become aware of who you are, which are your values, desires, life goals, what do you find attractive in a partner, what are your turn ons and your fantasies - all these are a trip of self discovery that love will facilitate.
Probably one of the most magical outcome of a relationship is that it brings you closer to who you are: you learn as much about yourself as you do about life and love.
Love might be the supreme instrument that nature evolved in order to reveal ourselves to our own consciousness, a key that will open the gates of precious understandings about mind versus heart - the neverending oscillation of lfie.
Chose the one that challenges you to be a better version of yourself and brings out the noble side within you- that is called humanity.
Then life taught me that there will be more than one person who, at different times, may represent "the one". And then I gave up on the rigid idea that there is only one person out there for me, realizing that we change, we grow up through our experiences and understandings and therefor our inner archetype for the "one" will change also. What used to be a desirable mate at 20 will be different than what you wish for at 35.
The research I've done, following my desire of understanding the inner strings of attraction and what makes people be a better match, lead me to some interesting understandings.
Of course, it is common knowledge that in any kind of relationship you need to do some compromises. And it's true, some things can be worked out. But others are so important that shouldn't be compromised with - that's when the trouble begins, when people compromise on important treats of personality that scores high on their list of "must have" qualities in a partner. And yet, they are blinded - not by love, but by other desires who are stronger at the time (passion, attachment, even financial needs).
There are 3 very important areas in which 2 individuals need to be a very good match in order to make a relationship work. The degree of compatibility in this areas will be reflected in the communion and feeling of oneness that a couple will have.
1. Common values and visions about life. Although they say that the opposite attracts, for the sake of a relationship is better to let the principle of similarity to win. 2 people who will share same opinions, treasure similar values and have common visions and goals for life, will be and feel much closer to each other. Their efforts will be constructive and they will feel much stronger, protected and understood in a relationship.
If you prefer to read a book while your partner likes to check the clubs, then probably you are not a very good match. 2 people who have similar levels of energy will enjoy more activities together as well. Someone who is healthy conscious will have different lifestyle choices than someone who indulges in hedonistic behaviors like there is no tomorrow.
You need to share values and life philosophies that will make you feel understood and validated- things that we will always need to get in a relationship.
2. Similar pragmatic attitudes and behaviors toward little things of life. Which in time can get big things - it is not uncommon to hear about a couple who splits over the fact that he likes to scatter his clothing on the floor all around the house while she folds even her lingerie in the closet before going to bed. An abstract painter won't be a good match for a tax accountant.
Even if it is easily managed or forgiven in the beginning, repetitive disturbing behavior will alter the harmony and threaten the core of a relationship. It is very important for a couple to have similar habits, goals and attitudes toward these non-romantic facts of life like: cleanness, money, investments, house keeping, holidays etc.
Even if they look minor in the bigger frame of the attraction, in time these differences will sabotage the harmony of a couple, leaving the 2 of them wondering why it didn't worked out because they still love each other. Early in a relationship you need to establish some rules related to the pragmatic aspects of life lived together which have to be responsible assumed.
3. Sexual compatibility. The 2 partners need to find themselves in the same level of attractiveness and to be a good match as well in terms of erotic interaction. I had many couples in therapy complaining that one of the partners was less sexual active.
It is crucial to match the 2 sex drives and have a partner with an energetic level, rhythm and passion close to yours. Although, again, people can be attracted in an interesting way to someone who is opposite, if the difference is too big, this will show in time and they will start resenting the other one for the very thing that attracted them in the first place.
They might be a good match for a while but unfulfilled desires will start frustrate one of them and things will fall apart. On the background of sexual frustration, one of the partner may start look some other places to satisfy the sexual desires - and you don't want that. Each partner has to be aware of the partner's needs and be willing to fulfill them without feeling that it is an effort. Find someone with the same passion, desire and hungry for your body as well for your mind.
These 3 are the main areas that 2 people need to be as close as possible to ensure a longlasting relationship. The feeling of love, although so praised and idealized, can't survive if these technical details are overlooked- which most people do.
We have an irrational hope that things will work out without any intervention, that energies will be balanced in a natural way. Most of the time, that doesn't happened- 50% rate of divorce speaks for itself.
And most people hope that things will just happen, in a kind of natural order, like we all have a personal legend that will mysteriously attract the one we need, that the universe will conspire to bring the one we want on our path.
This might happen as well (mostly in movies and books), but your personal legend involves also the understanding that love and relationships are both an art and a science.
And that makes it even more fascinating: to become aware of who you are, which are your values, desires, life goals, what do you find attractive in a partner, what are your turn ons and your fantasies - all these are a trip of self discovery that love will facilitate.
Probably one of the most magical outcome of a relationship is that it brings you closer to who you are: you learn as much about yourself as you do about life and love.
Love might be the supreme instrument that nature evolved in order to reveal ourselves to our own consciousness, a key that will open the gates of precious understandings about mind versus heart - the neverending oscillation of lfie.
Chose the one that challenges you to be a better version of yourself and brings out the noble side within you- that is called humanity.
April 8, 2009
The architecture of the mind
Have you ever felt that the space around you can influence your thoughts and moods? Do you feel more creative in high ceilings rooms and more focused in low ceiling rooms? Do you prefer higher level rooms to the underground ones (I do)? There is an explanation for that, the magic comes from smart design combined with psychology insight.
Recently, architecture and design started to pay attention at the psychological impact that a certain design or building has on human behavior.
It all goes back to 1950 when the biologist Jonas Salk was working on a cure for polio in his Pittsburgh basement. The doctor was stuck in his progress, so he took off to a 13-th century old monastery in the beautiful Assisi, Italy.
The columns, the romantic courtyard and high ceilings of the cathedral inspired Salk with new insights, leading him to discover the polio vaccine. He was so certain of the impact that the surrounding architecture had on his thoughts that he went on and teamed with a renowned architect to build the Salk Institute in California that promotes creativity and creates a friendly environment for insights and breakthroughs in science.
I can't express opinions about feng shui since no scientific studies proved any effects so far, but the architects started to work with behavioral scientist in order to create spaces designed specially for achieving certain behavioral responses.
Studies showed for example that people in rooms with higher ceilings had more abstract thoughts compared with those in the lower ceilings rooms, in which subjects were more concrete oriented, focused on specific details of the tasks.
The power of concentration has been found to be influenced by the availability of large windows with natural settings. They analyzed results of the kids learning in greener environments and have found an obvious increase in their power of focusing. Another experiment showed that college students with views of nature from their dorm rooms scored higher on measuring the mental focus compared to those who overlooked only man made structures.
The need for green scenery might take us back to the thousands of years we spent in the nature, when green environment was seen as a friendly frame. The urban context, with lots of traffic, noises and distractions requires more cognitive work than gazing at flowers or nature scenery. If you need a boost of creativity or you you want to make some important life decisions and changes, probably a 3 days escape in the nature will promote better answers.
The natural sunlight has been found also to influence positively students outcomes. Lack of sunlight determines an increase of cortisol, which is the stress hormone. So open up your curtains and let the sunshine in, it will only lift your spirit and increase your performance.
The shape of the furniture and other design objects has a significant impact on the behavior as well. Viewing sofas and other objects with sharp corners will activate a stronger response in the amygdala in the brain - which is the center that processes fear and arousal - compared to the response from seeing furniture with curved contures. That's why the toys for kids, the fluffy and plushy bears are all with curved and rounded shapes- it is soothing and calming.
Carpeting can also impact positively the relationships that people engage into. Rooms with carpet have been found to encourage human interaction making people spend more time in conversations or visits.
Furniture arrangement has been found to awaken certain reactions in people also. In schools, they tried 2 different approaches: rows of desks or a semicircle of desks around the teacher. The results were very interesting: the semicircle configuration encouraged kids to put questions and participate more actively in the class, while the row desk design promoted independent spirit and better class behavior.
This clues, so easy to follow when you become aware of their impact, can help you create an environment specific tailored to your needs: if you feel the need to go creative you can go in a high ceiled room, letting your mind climbing the walls in search for new epiphanies (cathedrals, libraries can offer you this luxury as well)
If on the other hand you need to do your taxes, a lower ceiling room is definitely more suitable. If writing a book or other artistic expressions will find their home in a high ceiling room, surgery should definitely be performed in a low ceiling room.
So let the sun in, pamper your feet with a lavish carpet, blossom your eyes with flowers and trees and rest on a curved sofa: your thoughts will fly as high as the ceiling, giving you insight and awakenings for a more fulfilled life.
Redesign your space to help you rethink your life and the definition of humanity will find new meanings particularly designed for your life.
Recently, architecture and design started to pay attention at the psychological impact that a certain design or building has on human behavior.
It all goes back to 1950 when the biologist Jonas Salk was working on a cure for polio in his Pittsburgh basement. The doctor was stuck in his progress, so he took off to a 13-th century old monastery in the beautiful Assisi, Italy.
The columns, the romantic courtyard and high ceilings of the cathedral inspired Salk with new insights, leading him to discover the polio vaccine. He was so certain of the impact that the surrounding architecture had on his thoughts that he went on and teamed with a renowned architect to build the Salk Institute in California that promotes creativity and creates a friendly environment for insights and breakthroughs in science.
I can't express opinions about feng shui since no scientific studies proved any effects so far, but the architects started to work with behavioral scientist in order to create spaces designed specially for achieving certain behavioral responses.
Studies showed for example that people in rooms with higher ceilings had more abstract thoughts compared with those in the lower ceilings rooms, in which subjects were more concrete oriented, focused on specific details of the tasks.
The power of concentration has been found to be influenced by the availability of large windows with natural settings. They analyzed results of the kids learning in greener environments and have found an obvious increase in their power of focusing. Another experiment showed that college students with views of nature from their dorm rooms scored higher on measuring the mental focus compared to those who overlooked only man made structures.
The need for green scenery might take us back to the thousands of years we spent in the nature, when green environment was seen as a friendly frame. The urban context, with lots of traffic, noises and distractions requires more cognitive work than gazing at flowers or nature scenery. If you need a boost of creativity or you you want to make some important life decisions and changes, probably a 3 days escape in the nature will promote better answers.
The natural sunlight has been found also to influence positively students outcomes. Lack of sunlight determines an increase of cortisol, which is the stress hormone. So open up your curtains and let the sunshine in, it will only lift your spirit and increase your performance.
The shape of the furniture and other design objects has a significant impact on the behavior as well. Viewing sofas and other objects with sharp corners will activate a stronger response in the amygdala in the brain - which is the center that processes fear and arousal - compared to the response from seeing furniture with curved contures. That's why the toys for kids, the fluffy and plushy bears are all with curved and rounded shapes- it is soothing and calming.
Carpeting can also impact positively the relationships that people engage into. Rooms with carpet have been found to encourage human interaction making people spend more time in conversations or visits.
Furniture arrangement has been found to awaken certain reactions in people also. In schools, they tried 2 different approaches: rows of desks or a semicircle of desks around the teacher. The results were very interesting: the semicircle configuration encouraged kids to put questions and participate more actively in the class, while the row desk design promoted independent spirit and better class behavior.
This clues, so easy to follow when you become aware of their impact, can help you create an environment specific tailored to your needs: if you feel the need to go creative you can go in a high ceiled room, letting your mind climbing the walls in search for new epiphanies (cathedrals, libraries can offer you this luxury as well)
If on the other hand you need to do your taxes, a lower ceiling room is definitely more suitable. If writing a book or other artistic expressions will find their home in a high ceiling room, surgery should definitely be performed in a low ceiling room.
So let the sun in, pamper your feet with a lavish carpet, blossom your eyes with flowers and trees and rest on a curved sofa: your thoughts will fly as high as the ceiling, giving you insight and awakenings for a more fulfilled life.
Redesign your space to help you rethink your life and the definition of humanity will find new meanings particularly designed for your life.
March 22, 2009
The art of loneliness
I want to talk about loneliness, since I think that the incapacity of dealing with loneliness drives most of our emotional life.
To feel lonely is a dramatic feeling and the need to escape it pushes people to look for company of unworthy people otherwise.
Have you found yourself being surrounded by people who otherwise wouldn't be of any particular interest to you?
It's like when you travel abroad, let's say to Paris and happens to meet co-nationals. You start chatting with them enthusiastically even though if you have met them while in your city, you wouldn't have been by far so friendly. The "Paris syndrome" happens because the need for familiarity is embedded in our genes, while "familiar" means "friendly" in terms of evolutionary psychology, therefore we tend to find patterns and recognize familiarity around us.
Escaping loneliness can be also almost an instinct, reminiscent of our tribe style existence. To be alone means to face the adversities and dangers by yourself. Alas, the evolution happened and today we are challenged to face our instincts and overcome irrational behavior.
Although loneliness can be felt like a supreme poverty, it has also the power to enrich your soul and give you super-human strength. I say super human, because very few people are really friends with loneliness, very few indulge in it, survive it and conquer it. Therefor it's rather rare to meet people who really enjoy moments of loneliness.
Most people are slaves of the need of companion and to be in it's own presence is a difficult burden. To be surrounded only by your thoughts and feelings can be a challenge to many people. Loneliness will force you to take a deep look into your depths and most of the time uncomfortable questions will arise. Loneliness invites you to audit your life and if things are not quite as you planned them to be, that's the point when it becomes unbearable.
We are social beings and this truth holds very deep meanings. We define ourselves in relationship with others, we take validation, we compare, we share and we learn through contact with other people. So the value of interpersonal connection is vital for life.
Same time, to be able to find yourself in the same space with your thoughts and feelings, enjoying their presence and having an existential chat with yourself, shows a good emotional balance and a healthy personality.
Although you may not see it yet, loneliness ads beauty to life and allows you to expand your level of understanding. It gives you the gift of becoming aware and dealing with issues that never got the silence needed in order to be heard by you. It offers you the opportunity to conquer yourself and experience a superior level of being.
After someone has been dealing with it's loneliness and become friends with it, then he/she can be sure that the romantic relationship that will follow will not be the expression of escaping loneliness, but of sharing the beauty of life.
I think that especially for those who see themselves as spiritual warriors, loneliness is a special time to reflect upon events and attitudes. Meditation is such a gifted time when loneliness gets through a process of alchemy and allows ones mind to connect to deep meanings and search for essences. Usually through meditation you come to love loneliness and enjoy juggling with different concepts, attitudes, desires.
Not to be ignored is the reality that although we can be in the presence of others, we are still, in fact, lonely. Nevertheless, at some point in our life-long adventure we will need to deal with this reality and stop running from it, from ourselves.
In it's weakness lies it's power also and the feeling of not feeling lonely while being alone can give you the intuition of what "divine" can feel like.
Therefor I invite you to explore loneliness and take a brake from the noises and interruptions of life. To be alone and find resolution and meanings for life is part of being human. Keep in mind that the grammar of silence involves a single verb: to be!
To feel lonely is a dramatic feeling and the need to escape it pushes people to look for company of unworthy people otherwise.
Have you found yourself being surrounded by people who otherwise wouldn't be of any particular interest to you?
It's like when you travel abroad, let's say to Paris and happens to meet co-nationals. You start chatting with them enthusiastically even though if you have met them while in your city, you wouldn't have been by far so friendly. The "Paris syndrome" happens because the need for familiarity is embedded in our genes, while "familiar" means "friendly" in terms of evolutionary psychology, therefore we tend to find patterns and recognize familiarity around us.
Escaping loneliness can be also almost an instinct, reminiscent of our tribe style existence. To be alone means to face the adversities and dangers by yourself. Alas, the evolution happened and today we are challenged to face our instincts and overcome irrational behavior.
Although loneliness can be felt like a supreme poverty, it has also the power to enrich your soul and give you super-human strength. I say super human, because very few people are really friends with loneliness, very few indulge in it, survive it and conquer it. Therefor it's rather rare to meet people who really enjoy moments of loneliness.
Most people are slaves of the need of companion and to be in it's own presence is a difficult burden. To be surrounded only by your thoughts and feelings can be a challenge to many people. Loneliness will force you to take a deep look into your depths and most of the time uncomfortable questions will arise. Loneliness invites you to audit your life and if things are not quite as you planned them to be, that's the point when it becomes unbearable.
We are social beings and this truth holds very deep meanings. We define ourselves in relationship with others, we take validation, we compare, we share and we learn through contact with other people. So the value of interpersonal connection is vital for life.
Same time, to be able to find yourself in the same space with your thoughts and feelings, enjoying their presence and having an existential chat with yourself, shows a good emotional balance and a healthy personality.
Although you may not see it yet, loneliness ads beauty to life and allows you to expand your level of understanding. It gives you the gift of becoming aware and dealing with issues that never got the silence needed in order to be heard by you. It offers you the opportunity to conquer yourself and experience a superior level of being.
After someone has been dealing with it's loneliness and become friends with it, then he/she can be sure that the romantic relationship that will follow will not be the expression of escaping loneliness, but of sharing the beauty of life.
I think that especially for those who see themselves as spiritual warriors, loneliness is a special time to reflect upon events and attitudes. Meditation is such a gifted time when loneliness gets through a process of alchemy and allows ones mind to connect to deep meanings and search for essences. Usually through meditation you come to love loneliness and enjoy juggling with different concepts, attitudes, desires.
Not to be ignored is the reality that although we can be in the presence of others, we are still, in fact, lonely. Nevertheless, at some point in our life-long adventure we will need to deal with this reality and stop running from it, from ourselves.
In it's weakness lies it's power also and the feeling of not feeling lonely while being alone can give you the intuition of what "divine" can feel like.
Therefor I invite you to explore loneliness and take a brake from the noises and interruptions of life. To be alone and find resolution and meanings for life is part of being human. Keep in mind that the grammar of silence involves a single verb: to be!
Welcome to my blog
I start this blog with the wish of telling things not in the scientifically and somehow limiting frame of the science, but as a human being who wanted to understand what's all about and did it both ways: by experimenting it and by studying it. My conclusions will meet your eyes in the pages of this blog, hope they will be both inspiring and revealing.
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